Friday, 18 December 2009

Thank You

I just wanted to say a massive Thank You to all you guys who offered so much support and advice during these recent dark days. I really dont know what I would have done without you all.

I have trawled through phone records, bank records, emails, websites, chat forums etc, going back over the last year and turned this house upside looking for more evidence, (rather obsessively actually!), however I have found none. I can only assume that it was just these two emails were the only form of recent communication.

I have emailed her back, again, with a warning that if she so much as attempts to make any further communication to my husband, ever, 'I'll hang her out to dry'.

As for him, although still pleading his innocence, he is going to be in the dog-house for the forseeable future. I'm still not sure where my future lies, but for now, it is time to move on out of this dark, nasty place and get on with life.

I have taken my 'eye off the ball'. I have missed my blogging chums, reality mates, my kids and my family. The thing that annoys me the most, is that during all this I finally received my licence through, so I can start my own practice. Unknowingly, I ignored my licence and flung it under a pile of crap. It ended up with tea stains all over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, here's to moving on, getting focused and getting back on track.



Sunday, 6 December 2009

Named and Shamed

This is why I have been such a shit blogger lately.
About a month ago I was looking at my husband's work rota and noticed that he had a trip with a certain woman, who has caused me much anguish in the past. Unfortunately, I didn't notice the name until he had actually completed his trip.

I confronted him about it when he came home and he said that when he saw her he 'shit himself' when he realised he would be working with her.

I threw a complete hissy fit, because he had ample time to ring me and tell me, or send me a text or just be upfront about it. But he didn't. (He's a Scorpio - very secretive!).

After some advise from my friends, I let it go, although, I wasn't sure if anything had happened and I had no evidence to assume the worse.

However, I had good reason to be suspicious because this certain woman and my husband had an affair 7 years ago. Although it was a very difficult time in our marriage, we got through it, and I believe, made our marriage stronger. But forgiving is easier than forgetting. No-one forgets.

A week ago, I logged on to his email by chance and found an email from her to him and attached to it was an email he had sent her first! The crafty bugger had deleted all his 'sent' emails.

The gist of it was they were going to meet up on 'Sat 5th December at 6ish for a coffee'.

I rang him in Hong Kong and let rip a torrent of abuse, including that our marriage was over. I then sent them both an extremely scathing email telling them exactly what I thought of them.

When he returned, we talked/shouted/screamed for five days. I have not been in my right mind because here are the things that happened over these days.

1. In a spate of fury I attacked my husband and punched him like a boxer punches a punch-bag. Relentlessly. Being 6ft and built like a rugby player, he took every punch I gave him.

2. I asked my son Liam, if he could 'score some draw' (WTF!!!!!) Luckily Liam laughed at me, saying it would 'addle' my brain. (Sometimes he assumes the role of a parent. I can only hang my head in shame at this one).

3. I am unable to eat any food. It all tastes like cardboard to me and hence I have lost about 10lbs in a week. Its called the Rebel Diet of Diet Coke and Cigarettes!

4. As you know I don't drink, but I got a bottle of vodka mixed it with Valium and sleeping pills and got shit faced. I then proceeded to 'Tiffin' my husband out of his brain.

(What that was about I don't know. Is it like a cat, spraying your territory? It is a primitive and primeval thing that I have yet to decipher....).

5. I have been checking emails, phones, all forms of communication and I don't like this person I have turned into. It is vile. I will not live this life.

6. I keep forgetting things. I thought I put the lamb in the oven, only to discover it had been sitting on the side for TWO hours.

7. I have missed 3 of Amber's dance classes, her 'watching week' and her Christmas Carol concert.

8. Olly has missed 5 days of school due to his performance in Peter Pan, but I keep forgetting to call the school. They keep texting me asking where he is.

I am a complete mess.

My husband's side to all of this is that on the last leg of this trip this 'slapper' gave him some sob story that after he had left her, she got in with a bloke who used to beat her. My husband felt sorry for her and he felt it was his fault that she had got in with a nasty fella and that her life had turned out so shit.

I told my Husband that my life was shit! I have a father I have to look after, a child with Asperger's and a husband that cant keep it in his pants. If you start having empathy and sympathy for the 'other woman', then it is time to get out of a marriage.

I told him that if he wanted to be with this woman then he should just go, I will not stay in a marriage for the sake of it. He said he had no intentions of going anywhere. I told him he 'cannot have his cake and eat it'.

I asked him for a divorce and he refused. He said that he had been a 'prick' and that he had only emailed her to meet for a coffee to help cheer her up, because she was so down! (They both had a trip on the 5th, so they could would be in the same office for about an hour from 6-7). I said, if you start having coffee with a childless spinster of 40 it is hardly going to be left as a coffee! How thick are you???

I only have his word that nothing has happened on that trip or since that trip, and quite frankly that's worth piss all. Although having read back the emails a thousand times, it sounds like nothing happened and this appears to be the only form of communication. But who the hell knows!

I feel like running away and letting them all get on with it. I will not stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of it. My marriage is in tatters and I'm not sure it is worth saving. I told my husband that he can continue to live here, (apart from the fact I will not kill myself from exhaustion looking after his kids, and I need the mortgage paid), but that I now wish to be free to find someone else.

He told me that he loved me more than life itself, that he wanted to grow old with me and spend the rest of our lives together. He said he was stupid to email her. I told him that he was the love of my life, but he has broken my heart again and broken the trust. I told him that I didn't love him anymore and I doubted if I would ever love or trust him again.

I feel so empty.

My husband did not go and meet her yesterday, he was with me at 6pm. He then drove to work and waited outside in the freezing cold and talked on the phone to me for 35 minutes until he had to go check in at 7.45pm.

I wonder if this could be a mid-life crisis? He turned fifty a month ago, his wife is now qualified and maybe he felt surplus to requirements of the family......the attentions of another woman is very flattering and perhaps a boost to his ego.

What I cannot forgive though is the humiliation that I feel.

It is making a mockery of marriage and everything a wife stands for; for being a soul-mate and mother to his children. Humiliating her and ridiculing her position within the family and making it worthless is absolutely diabolical. She knew he was married with kids and it makes me sick. They are both to blame.

However, the wife is a wife for a reason. She is not the mistress, nor the bit on the side, nor the tart he is bonking. The wife is his equal. She is the hub of the family and her strength is the glue to the family. She keeps the kids fed, watered, clothed, washed and educated. She goes on courses to understand her disabled child, she organises everything, she looks after her husband, looks pretty for him, listens to him moaning, becomes his best friend. Looks after her parents, his parents and as if that isn't enough, she'll probably go out to work and bring home the 'bacon' as well!

To this end, I will name you and shame you, because I am worth so much more than you......

Patsy Ryan.

Be content in knowing that if you get my husband it is because I no longer want him.

You are no match for me, I'll crucify you.


Saturday, 5 December 2009

Rebel Mother

Dear readers,
I just wanted to say a massive thank you to all those who read and comment on my blog. It is very much appreciated and although I am sometimes held hostage by whatever forces control me in Reality, I always love to hear from you.

You may have noticed I've gone 'Gothic'. I thought it might be better to read. Sometimes the sun shines on my computer (not in the last two weeks, with this crappy weather) and I found it difficult to read, but hopefully it will be better now.

I've also changed title of my blog. It is now called Rebel Mother, instead of Another Day in The Madhouse, but the URL (or whatever it is) is still the same. Just the blog title has changed. (There are too many similar blogs, so I thought I would change it, otherwise it just gets confusing).

I am having a shit time at the moment, but the tantrums and tears have stopped and just good old fashioned fury has replaced it. I shall stick a post on about it. You may find it interesting, its about Infidelity!

But I hope to visiting all your blogs very soon and catch up on all the news. I've missed you all very much. Forgive me for being such a shit blogger.

With much love....



Friday, 27 November 2009

Bright Idea

God! What a crappy day yesterday was.......I feel as miserable as this relentless rain we've been subjected to. Eight days of drizzle......EIGHT, with intermittent fleeting intervals of sun, hail and gale force winds.

I had the bright idea of doing a bit of Christmas shopping....physically....not virtually....I also had another bright idea of taking the bus, because it is bound to be more convenient and green etc, etc, etc.

I am a FOOL!

And this is why.....

1. All Bus stops are all 'out of order' in Brighton's City Centre (Why? Just to inconvenience shoppers and bugger up your day).

2. I was dropped off about a mile away and had to drudge back to the shops up a really steep hill in a bad temper.

3. Went into a book shop and set off all the alarms. I was interrogated like a common criminal. After much indignant yelling I was let go.

4. After sticking up my nose, I stomped out of the shop and spent what little money I had in other shops.

5. Finally trudged back to the bus stop, loaded down with shopping bags.

6. Where's the frigging bus stop gone?

7. Bus stop had moved half a mile up the road. Dragged feet and bags to make-shift bus stop, which was unfortunately outside a shop that was being renovated.

8. Builder's van pulls up and burly inconsiderate white van driver tells everyone in the make-shift bus queue to move along as they were clearing out the shop.

9. I grumbled loudly whilst complying.

10. My ears where then viciously assaulted by lumps of concrete being slung into back of the van.

11. Lost my temper completely and yelled at the builders calling them a 'bunch of 'fu**ing to**ers'.

12. The builders laughed.

13. Stomped off down the road, juggling bags and lit a ciggy.

14. Then torrential rain poured down. My soggy ciggy was thrown to the floor unsmoked. My paper Primark bag got so drenched it disintegrated, spilling the contents of my shopping all over the pavement.

15. No b'stard bothered to help me. They just stood and stared whilst the builders continued to laugh.

16. When the bus finally came, I soaked to my knickers.

17. The bus driver was an aspiring rally driver and when my bus stop came into sight, he took the corner at about 50 miles an hour and sent me sprawling across two empty seats.

18. My shopping went flying again and I held everybody up from getting off the bus trying to gather them up.

19. This attracted the attention of some madman/tramp on the bus who then waffled on in an incoherent drunken manner about bad bus drivers.

20. Having shaken off the tramp, finally arrived home. I was trying to make a cup of tea when I tripped over my Hubby's laptop lead which was trailing around the kitchen. I broke the lead and almost broke my sodding neck!

Hubby's answer to this day of hell was 'Do you have any more Bright Ideas?'


Monday, 23 November 2009

Senior Moments

Apparently, after twenty-three years of nagging my eldest son Liam on 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness', I achieved absolutely nothing.

This is the state of his bin......

.....after just ONE day!!!

Needless to say, I am now charging him for services rendered.

Clearly, just nagging does not do the job, I must develop a certain 'lashing' to my tongue in order to be heard.

In other news, Hubby turned the huge '50' the other week and I think its effecting his brain.

He seems to be more absent minded than usual, but more disturbingly when he is making dinner, we seem to be enjoying the delights of 'mushed up' food more frequently, such as mashed potatoes and mashed swede and carrots, mashed sausages.......everything is mashed. Unless its soup.....!

It is resembling 'baby food'.

I should have seen this coming.

When I make dinner he always mixes his food up and crunches it down. His eating habits remind me of my old Grandad, who used to mash his food up, because he had false teeth at thirty.

Whats wrong with him? He's still got his own teeth!

More worryingly, he was supposed to go on a course this weekend and forgot to set his alarm, so at 9am Sunday morning I was rudely awoken by foul-mouthed rants because he missed his call. This means his whole rota will now change from now until Christmas. (We had to wait months for that Christmas rota to come through).

Ole muggins here is going to have to split herself in two in order to pick up all the kids at the same time from different locations.

Its like being married to an old man.

Visions of catheter's and pee bottles are wafting around my blenders and zimmer frames, false teeth floating in water......Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lets just hope it a passing senior moment.......


Thursday, 19 November 2009

Stress Rehearsals

Oh dear..... stress, stress, stress........

I'm sure I'll drop dead of a heart attack soon.  My stress levels are soaring to an inordinate proportion as I am running around like a blue-arsed fly.

(And where the frig has my spell check gone?  I have uploaded this new posting thing from blogger, but there is no spell check!)

It also seems that life in general has shifted into a higher gear as we're now propelling towards Christmas at a hideous speed...

You may remember I told you that Olly was appearing in Peter Pan at Brightons Theatre Royal.

(This is also sponsored by Robinsons in conjunction with Put on a Panto.  You may have read about it on other blogs such as Bringing up Charlie, Jo Beaufoix and A Modern Mother).

Well, rehearsals have begun this week.

SIX days a week he has to rehearse.  Mon-Fri after school and Saturday all day.  So that means a lot of extra running around and organising and no time for homework - which Olly is estatic about.

We finally found his school bag, which he left on a bus.  It was at the buses Lost Property.  However he has now managed to loose his coat and bleeding rugby boots that cost me an arm and a leg!

Olly has also managed to get a detention after school for fighting.  Idiot boy. 

I had to ring the school and beg them to change the detention as it overlapped with the rehearsals of the play.  They conseeded to give him 2 half hour detentions instead of one, one hour detention.  That gives me enough time to pick him up, shove food down his neck, get him changed and drop him and another kid off at rehearsals.

I have managed to enlist the help of another mum, who's stress levels are non-existent. She has a lovely calming effect.  Shame she cant bottle that, she'd make a fortune.

Yesterday I had a phone call from Olly saying that a teacher had dropped dead and that they were shutting the school!

Luckily the poor chap didnt drop dead in a lesson, but everyone was so upset they sent 1500 kids home.

Shocking innit?  Never heard of that before.

I wouldnt have minded if a couple of my gruesome teachers had popped their clogs, when I was at school.  Mainly 'Giller the Killer', my hockey teacher.  Nasty bit of work she was, used to swing her hockey stick at us in a very menacing way and aim the hockey ball at your head.  You learned how to dodge though.  And our horrible typing teacher, who used to rap your knuckles with a ruler if we weren't typing fast enough.  (I stuck gum all over her chair, which ended up on her clothes.......I have no regrets).

Better go, time to run round like a headless chicken again.......xx

Oh where, oh where is my sodding spell check?

Sunday, 15 November 2009

Blogland Oscars

Well, I hope you've got all day, because I've got about a million awards to give away.  They're coming out my ears!

I wish it was money coming out of my ears.

Anyway, off we go.

My first award was given to me by the lovely Rosiero at Alcoholic Daze.  She is a little angel.

These are the rules:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.  Thank you my darlin'

2. Copy the logo and place it in your blog.  Done

3. Link the person who nominated you.  Also done.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that no one would really know. Oh, crap!

a) When I was 9 I had to go to confession for nicking a chocolate roll from the fridge. (!)

b) Having been bible bashed as a child I no longer follow a faith. 

c) My first car at 17 was a Ford Capri Mark 3 with no tax and no insurance!  And, yes I did get caught and charged and fined. Taught me a lesson.

d) My first business venture was at the age of 13.  I sold Pierre Cardin pens at school.  I made a good profit and blew  the lot on sweets.

e) When I was 10 I cut the heels off my shoes so I could get a new pair. 

f) At 15 I stole a motorbike with my cousin and boyfriend.  We ended up crashing it.  We then went and stole a second one and blew the tyres out on it.  The bikes belonged to a distant relative.  They have never forgiven me.

g) I used to be wild.

5. Nominate seven 'Kreativ Bloggers

These guys are fabulous Kreativ bloggers,

Jennysmith at The Cigarette Diaries

Really Rachel

Casdok at Mother of Shrek

A Modern Mother

Sticky Fingers

Rosie Scribble

Jo Beaufoix

My next award was given to me by the fabulous Maternal Tales and Wife of Bold.  The Zombie Chicken Award.

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all."

Hell hath no fury like a Zombie Chicken Award not given!  So, the Zombie Chicks are:

Modernmom at How to survive life in the suburbs

The next award was given to me by the lovely Discontented Little Mummy

I pass this award onto:

Kelly at A Place of My Own

Ice Queen at The Constant Chill

Cause I love your blogs!

The Honest Scrap Award which was given to me by Really Rachel.  Thank you sweetie.

The Rules:

1. ‘The Honest Scrap Blogger Award’ must be shared.  Done

2. The recipient has to tell 10 (true) things about themselves that no one else knows.

You've already had 7 so I'll tell you 3 other things

a) Lou and I bunked off school at 13 and ran away to London.  We ended up at the nightclub Camden Palace.  Half way through the night, our parents arrived and had a massive row with Steve Strange (the owner) and dragged us back home.

b) Angie Bowie (David Bowie's ex) tried to marry my boyfriend!  (No lie!)

c)  I once sang on a backing track and my boyfriends manager said I was really good.  I am tone deaf and cant sing a note. Show's how much he knew!!!

3. The recipient has to pass along the award to 10 more bloggers.

4. Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them.

Ten Bloggers coming up:

How I like my coffee

Insomniac Mummy

Just Twaddle


Ladybird World Mother

JennyMac at Lets Have a Cocktail

Discontented Little Mummy

Wife of Bold

Four Down Mum to Go

Wives and Daughters

Knackered yet?  Still a couple to go.......

 My next award was given to me by the wonderful 20somethingmum

Here are the rules:
1. Each Superior Scribbler must pass the award on to 5 more deserving Bloggers
2. Each must link to the Author and Blog from whom they received the award
3. Each must display the award on their blog
4. Each must post the rules on their blog for those five to copy.

My superior scribblers are:

Grits Day

Brits in Bosnia


Zoo at Being A Mummy

and Caution Woman at Work

And lastly but by no means least 'The Circle of Friends Award' given to me by the ever fabulous Maternal Tales.

I would like to pass this one on to these special guys.

Maternal Tales

Crystal Jigsaw

Amy at And1moremeansfour

Millenium Housewife

Jo Jenkins at The Fifty Factor

Reasons to be Cheerful

Rosiero at Alcoholic Daze.
Well, thats it.  I hoped you enjoyed it. 
I'm off to watch the FiX-factor in a mo, to see which other person who can sing is out!

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Cheeky Monkey

I feel like this today.

Rolling my eyes, at yet another crappy day.............

Hubby has left his orange mobile phone in a hotel room in Vancouver. The hotel are trying to get it a flight home.

However, the airline is in dispute with the unions and strikes about to start. The phone maybe stuck in Canada for the foreseeable future...... Lucky phone!

Olly left his school bag on the bus complete with dinner money pass (I've just put £40 quid on on it!!!), bus pass, locker key, PE kit, homework etc. We have been running around bus stops trying to chase the errant bus, but surprisingly, it was too quick for us. I Phoned Central Control, who informed the Bus Inspectors, and arranged a rendezvous with the driver. We finally got to the supposed rendezvous but the driver had changed and the bag had disappeared!

For F***ks sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We now have to wait to see if it turns up in the Buses lost property. Oh, what fun that will be, wading though all that!

I caught Nil points (my bugger of a neighbour), nicking my cable! He ran a long thick pipe from my cable inlet to his house. He came round and said that he was only checking that it worked, because his cable wasn't working. It was stuck there for about three days, until I pulled it out.

His new baby is a 'mini-me' . A little boy I think. It is so good, I have yet to hear it cry. I just hear absurd cooing noises through the wall, made by his parents.

Why, oh why, does such a cheeky monkey of a neighbour have such a good baby? My lot did nothing but yell and scream and never let me get any shut-eye for TWO years. The yelling and bickering still continues.....

Nil confessed to having one difficult night with him and his wife was in tears because she wasn't dressed by 10 o'clock. So he made her a cup of tea.

I confessed to Nil that I used to wet myself because I didn't get time to go to the loo with two of them to look after and there was no Hubby around to watch them whilst I had a shower, so I had to stink!

(That'll teach him to bloody show-off with his good baby!).

Needless to say I haven't seen him since. At least he's stopped nicking my cable now.

My car is doing peculiar things too, like short-circuiting. (It's not the only one!). It keeps resetting the clock back to zero and doors fly open when you are driving. It thinks its Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang. Blasted thing.

The garage roof is leaking and so is the shed roof, all over my storage stuff!

A ton of bills have dropped on my doormat, which I shall frame as I cannot pay them.

I have no floor in the hall, because a radiator leaked all over it and ruined it.

Amber smothered TWO white towels in red lipstick...........

Oh, the list goes on. I think you've probably had enough now.

BTW Its my Hubby's birthday today. He has hit the magical 50!!!!!!!! Never thought we would see that one. Scary. It creeps up on you when you least expect it.

So I feel like that orangutan up there - isn't he cute?

From one cheeky monkey to another.......kisses and saucey winks to you. xx


Monday, 2 November 2009

Hot Forks

Oh my God! Is it over? Is that hideous Half Term week finally over?

It must be. I can hear nothing but silence in this house.

I feel like that shattered looking squirrel, completely done in.

The considerable torture that parents have to go through during Half Term week is nothing short of barbaric!

There should be a law against Half Term week.

I may as well have been tied to a post for a week and prodded with hot forks.

Not only were the kids off but Liam also took a week off work and Hubby was home for a few days.

'Oh, that's more help', I hear you cry.

Noooooo! That's a house full of lazy, smelly, dirty boys!

The house smelt like a sweaty boys locker room. Bums and feet!

The whiffs that emanated from the boys bedrooms where foul. Liam was the biggest stinker, being holed up in his bedroom for the entire week. The pong from his room was enough to make your hair curl. (We discovered later it was his slippers.....Ugh!).

I did nothing but run round clearing up after everyone, picking up their stuff, throwing open windows, doors, trying to get rid of the stink; hoovering and cleaning everyday. It was nothing short of slave labour.

And the NOISE!!!!!!!!

So much bloody noise!

There would be intermittent silences followed by loud crashing noises followed by shouts of OOOOOHHHH, AAAAHHHHHHHHHH, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. The times I jumped out of my skin.

I took those kids out everyday for a 'run' and still they had boundless energy. They remind me of dogs. I'm not partial to dogs.

And don't go thinking that Amber was a little angel.......the minute my back was turned, that little madam was up to no good.

On Sunday I had to go and visit Father again, so I took Olly with me, picked up Mother on the way and left Hubby, Liam and Amber at home.

Mother was actually quite well behaved this trip. Father would wander off one way and Olly would go the other - so one of us would run after the 'wandering one'. It was quite mentally and physically exhausting.

Anyhow, when I finally got back home, unbeknown to Hubby and Liam (useless pair), Amber had got hold of my pink nail polish and daubed pink paint on just about everything. She also stuck stickers all over my armchair. More horrifyingly, she had grabbed a pair of scissors and cut a fringe into her hair. You know, one of those fashionable cover-up baldy type fringes.

I was aghast!

I told her I was taking her to the hairdressers, but she couldn't wait could she?
I can only trust in Karma. What goes round, comes round.

Children should come with a health warning:

BEWARE: This child may cause loss of sanity, premature aging, frazzled nerves, extreme money shortage, teeth loss, gum disease, hair loss due to unavoidable pulling, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure and sleep deprivation. Avoid becoming a chocoholic, alcoholic, or dependent on prescription drugs. Can cause adult to self-destruct and in extreme cases may cause death.

Mmmm......Maybe its just my kids that should come with a health warning!



Thursday, 22 October 2009


Eeeeek! The moment of truth!!!

This is me and Lou.

I am surprised the picture came out so well, considering we were off our faces at the time!

Lou was holding one of her Balls........ (oh my God, the puns........lets start again).

Lou was holding her Christmas Ball, (Aaaaaah....there it is again! I am obviously in a smutty mood today), at the Grosvenor, I think. Well, I cant actually remember where it was, but I do remember it was a Burlesque night.

There were lots of sweaty, middle-aged men, gawping at the stage where scantily-clad girls shook their bits and bobs. Girls were climbing out of giant cocktail glasses and lolling about on huge telephones. (No, my drink wasn't spiked).

Anyway, my graduation piccys are stuck in the post, due to the postal strike, so in the manner of a Blue Peter presenter, 'Here's one I made earlier'!

Have a guess which one I am.

Here's a clue:

From the mouth of my Husband, 'You have Trouble written all over your face!'.

From my dry gob, 'I thought it was 'Doormat'

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. I'm off to Lou's.


Friday, 16 October 2009

A Little Faith

This is a picture of my mother.

Her head buried in the sand as usual.

Regular readers will recall how my Mother thinks I'm being 'groomed' by my lovely blogging pals, and last weekend she told me that I was her favourite child for 2 and half years, until my sister was born!!!

Yeah.... well, we all have our crosses to bear don't we?

Anyway, last Friday I was invited to attend an award ceremony which was held in London at the Institute of Directors. It was in view of finally passing those bloody exams and becoming a full member of the Accountancy body.

I was only allowed to take one person with me and unfortunately Hubby was in Johannesburg, so Mother muscled her way in and decided she was going to come.

As usual we got behind time because of Mother's incessant nonsensical chatter about absolutely nothing, so I was rushing trying to put on a bit of 'slap' (make-up). I was mortified to discover that I had overdone it with the make-up. My light brown eyeshadow was in fact really dark brown/black and I had put lashings of black Kohl eyeliner on. I resembled something out of a porn movie ... much to my disgust.

Mother, in the meantime, had got rather excited about her jewellery, and was wearing every little piece she had brought with her. She was a walking 'bling'.

With parting comments from the kids on our appearance, 'Oi, what you got on your face?' and 'Nan, you look like a rapper', we left Liam watching the kids and grabbed a cab to the station.

It was pissing down with rain and we spent a hideous 20 Min's stuck inside the confines of a cab, listening to a lunatic cab driver rant about how 'we' are bombing his country! (Oh, just shut up and drive!!!). When I could stomach the rantings no long, I got him to pull over and flung the money at him, whilst Mother and I escaped into the pouring rain.

We caught the train, grabbed another cab and finally arrived in Pall Mall. The IOD was lovely. Mother was extremely happy as the booze was free flowing.

I had asked Mother to take some pictures of me.

This is the one Mother took of me in the hat and gown.

Who the hell is this? That's not even me! This is a picture of a random woman.

And this is the one she took of me going on stage to receive my award from the president:


This isn't me either. This is a picture of the shoulders of the people sitting in front of us!

Bloody woman.

Luckily, I'd booked the photographer to take some professional photos, so we had to queue up to get my picture taken with the hat and gown. Whilst we were queuing, Mother went in search of more booze.

Mother: I'll just get another glass of wine

Me: Haven't you had enough of a whine today?

Mother(oblivious): Ooh, look at that waiter, there's loads of wine on his tray.

Me: Yeah, you like a nice whine don't you?

(Sometimes I just cant help myself).

I finally got some lovely snaps taken, however, my behaviour in front of a camera has always been a little........sluttish!

I cant help it. I used to model, and its hard to leave those days behind, especially when the photographer is so encouraging. 'Oh, we've got a glamour puss here!', and 'That's it, a bit more, turn this way.....goooood'. It was his fault for encouraging me!

Mother was appalled. 'Everyone's staring at you', she hissed.

'I don't care', I replied, pouting and pushed my boobs out a little more. I do this just to irritate her.

So to irritate me, she somehow managed to persuade the photographer to have her photo taken with me! I now have my Mother in my photos! Urgh!

Admittedly, they are more demure.

While the presentation was being held, I snuck out to go the loo. When I came back, Mother started whispering.

Mother: I never realised what you had achieved.

Me: Does that surprise you?

Mother: Well, you know, you having such a big child......(she meant me having Liam at 17, who is now 23).

Me: Did you not think I could do it then?

Mother: Well, quite frankly, you were the last person I would have thought would have achieved this.


Me: Well, at least I have not lost the ability to surprise you then.

If she stopped playing at being an Ostrich and took her head out of the sand once in while, perhaps she would realise that being labelled for an eternity as a 'teenage single mum', does not always equal useless, stupid and thick forever!

A little faith is required.

(Me singing) Have a little Faith

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Death and Taxes Part 2

Dear God! The shenanigans about my brother-in-law, 'Jolly Roger', have been coming thick and fast. Everyday it is something new. It appears that 'Jolly Roger' is more like Roger the Dodger!

Apparently, the house, which incidentally he bought for peanuts 20 odd years ago, has three mortgages on it! Mortgaged up and beyond all reasonable levels.

My sister-in-law, Suki, has found out that she has two maxed out credit cards in her name, which she didn't know about. Her signature was forged on these documents. Other credit card statements are pouring in, in Roger's name, also maxed out.

Loan sharks have been telephoning the house and people, who we all thought were his mates, were actually people he had borrowed money from. They've been knocking at Suki's door telling her how much he owed them.

Roger's parents were considered 'tight' by my Hubby's family, but now it has come to light that they had been lending or giving him money for years and in the end got really fed up with him and so put a stop to it. Now we know why.

Roger borrowed his sister's life savings and never paid it back. When their father died, he left both of them some share certificates to be equally distributed, however, Roger got hold of them, sold the lot and pocketed the money.

My mother-in-law lent Roger her late husbands car, but, rather stupidly, left the registration details in the car. So Roger sold it!

You would think this was enough wouldn't you?

Oh no!

A couple of days ago, a mistress of SEVEN years crawled out the woodwork. SEVEN years! And he 'took' her for 70 grand as well. We don't know much about her yet, just that she was local and he had known her for donkey's years. Hope there are no secret kiddies.

You couldn't make this up could you? Its bloody unbelievable.

And so the river's of tears that were shed have dried up completely and been replaced by anger. Suki is so enraged, Roger is still in the morgue.

He has had his autopsy which we are just waiting for the results of, (should be interesting), and there also has to be an inquest.

I think he was quite clever, because he kept everyone at arms length so no-one spoke to each other about all this lending and borrowing. I suppose this is how Con-Artists do it. Apparently this had been going on for years. However, it caught up with him in the end, otherwise he wouldn't have had such a shocking demise.

The rough estimate of debt at the moment is in excess of half a million, and rising constantly, with no assets!!! Not a bean! Suki has 35p in her purse and that's it!

The questions I would like to know are these:

What was he doing in that city?
Had he come to meet someone?
Was it a dodgy deal that went wrong?
Why did he have his passport on him at the time?
What was the drain of money?

All the money was going out all time. Maybe he was a gambler or secret druggie (although I don't think it was drugs). Something was draining that money away and it must be huge.

Needless to say, I don't think many people will be attending the funeral. Hubby is flatly refusing to go, and Suki is even debating it. I think the Mistress wants to go though. That wont be much fun, the Wife and Mistress at the funeral!

I would never have pinned Roger down as the 'Artful Dodger' or 'Artful Roger' come to that. But he hood-winked us all.

Just shows you doesn't it? You don't really know anyone.

I shall keep you updated with anymore details that come in.



Saturday, 3 October 2009

Coming Up Trumps

After recent shocking events it would be nice to have a bit of good news - and finally we have some and its all to do with the boys!

Liam applied for promotion and had an agonising wait for a week, but he got it. This is a massive confidence boost for him, especially after that awful business with his ex-girlfriend Rhino. His current girlfriend Abbi, is still on the scene and they seem to be getting on OK. She is really a nice girl. (Hurrah!).

Olly has surpassed all expectations and has even left me a bit gob-smacked.

He started at his new school (secondary) last month and has come on leaps and bounds.

I started driving Olly to and from school everyday, through despicable traffic, which just made my hair stand on end, it was that stressful.

After a couple of days he got fed up with this. He wanted to go by bus. There is a school bus that picks him up around the corner and drops him back after school. No general public use it and it is just for use by the kids that go to neighbouring schools.

However, Olly having Autism, Aspergers Syndrome, means that catching buses and fiddling around with bus passes and timetables and all those little, everyday things that we take for granted is quite difficult for him to negotiate. He has lots of social and behaviour problems, so the worry for me is about the other kids on the bus. Is it busy? Does he know anyone? Will he get into a fight and punch someones lights out?

(In parent meetings with the ASC Support group I have found it common for most kids like Olly, with some form of 'invisible' disability, to be bullied. But Olly just punches them and they leave him alone. Not ideal, I know, but it does stop the bullying in its tracks).

After chauffeuring him to and from school a few times, he started to get really agitated and kept asking continually to take the bus. After a few days I got really fed up with his badgering, so, once I had armed him with a mobile phone, I walked him to the bus stop one morning. As soon as the other kids started arriving he told me to 'Get lost'. (Charming! This is his way of saying goodbye and is not meant to be interpreted as offensive).

I hid around the corner and just made sure he got on the bus, which he did. I then spent the whole day worrying whether he had made it to school or not, then worrying if he would make it home again! It was agonising. (I know, I know, I'm a worry-wort). But, I reasoned that, at some stage in your child's life, you have to let go of the reigns and, regardless or not whether they have a disability, they do have to grow up and take responsibility. So this was a learning curve for me.

Later that afternoon, he came bounding through the back door like a huge excitable puppy, really pleased that he had made it to school and back on his own.

This is a major achievement as it now proves that he has advanced another step towards independence. I'm well chuffed!

A few weeks ago, the kids decided they wanted to attend an audition for Peter Pan, the Christmas pantomime, that is being held at our local theatre in December.

We attended the audition, but I did tell the kids that they probably wouldn't get a part, but it would be good experience for them. On that understanding, (which I think is very important in this particular industry), they were still happy to attend, so we went.

100 boys auditioned for 12 places and 300 girls auditioned for 10 places! It was like a mini X-factor with queues all the way down the street!

After hours of hanging around and seeing plenty of little kids in tears, I found Amber first. She didn't get a part, but she seemed OK with that. We had to wait for what seemed like an eternity for Olly to come out.

Eventually, he emerged. He'd got a part of a Lost Boy. It is his first professional role and he gets paid as well!

There is a long way to go before Christmas and there are lots of rehearsals to go through and lots of shows to do. They have five boys in reserve, just in case things do not go as planned. As we know, life is unpredictable!

But for the moment, I am so proud of my boys and especially Olly, who despite all odds keeps Coming Up Trumps.


Saturday, 26 September 2009

Death and Taxes

Forgive me for not posting or commenting, but this week started off truly awful with nothing less than a 'Witch Hunt', then it peaked to dizzying heights with dear Olly coming up trumps (that kid never ceases to amaze me and I will write a post about it soon - I'm so proud of him), and now we have been plunged back into such depths of despair that is beyond belief.

It has been just one thing after another this week, but this latest tragedy is just simply appalling.

My Hubby's sister's husband, Roger, was the kindest, jolliest and loveliest of men. At 6ft 6" by 6ft 6", he was a towering giant of man, with a gentle, sensitive soul. Jolly Roger we used to call him. He doted on the kids, he didn't have children of his own so they used to spoil Olly and Amber something rotten.

One afternoon this week, he drove into a large UK city and parked his car at the top of a multi-storey car park and threw himself off. He plunged 70ft onto a busy main road and was then hit by a double-decker bus!

Did the bus come along just to make sure that the 'job' was done?

It is almost laughable. What kind of a cruel joke is this? Another one of Life's twists and turns?

Needless to say we are shocked and devastated and Hubby's poor sister is beside herself with grief. To make matters worse it was captured on CCTV footage, however, because of the footage, the police have declared it a suicide, although this was so out of character.

I was unable to tell the kids that their Uncle committed suicide, so I have told them it was a heart attack.

The local papers have even reported the death. There are rivers of tears streaming through this house and up north too (where Hubby's family is from). I have yet to cry. I feel numb with shock. My family need me to keep things ticking over, keep the routines going, so that is what I am doing. Olly appears to be coping very well, although Amber is a bit of a wreck.

Some 'wit' whose name escapes me right now wrote 'The only thing that is certain in life is death and taxes'. At least you can ring an accountant if you're not sure when your taxes are due. Unfortunately for death, we have no such assurance.

For my dear brother-in-law, Roger. Love you, miss you. R.I.P.


Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Glorious Food

What the hell is this???

Abbi (Liam's new girlfriend), who seems to be a permanent fixture at weekends, says this was a gift from her mother.

To feed her with no doubt!

On questioning Abbi, with regards to 'What is it?', 'What do I do with it?', 'Does it have a name?',
'Is it rhubarb?', 'How do I cook it?'.

She replied, 'Its like spinach. Cook it like Spinach'.

She obviously is not aware that my cooking skills, regarding the art of creating a spinach dish, (or any dish come to that) do not stretch that far.

And what the frig is this?

Looks like overgrown sweetcorn kernels.

These are mini yellow tomatoes apparently.

Can you eat yellow tomatoes, without being poisoned?

At least I know what this is.

A fuzzy piccy of a cucumber.

Yeah, well, I'm not sure how long the first two will sit in my fridge, the spinach thing must be about 3ft long and is curling around the inside of my fridge muscling in on everything else. It is a very bolshy vegetable.

We seem to be inundated with other visitors at the weekend too these days......mainly Liam's huge, strapping mates.

When did they grow so big? Am I shrinking?

I knew these kids when they were scrawny 12 year olds, who wouldn't say 'boo to a goose' and where no taller than a reed of grass. Now they are towering 23 year old men with bulging muscles, big gobs and noisy fast cars. The neighbours get a bit twitchy when they visit.

Liam's room emits noise like a football crowd on a Saturday afternoon. Smutty words can be heard echoing down the stairwell along with great guff's of raucous laughter!

They also have stomachs like bottom-less pits. Why do they always come round at tea-time? I cant feed that fridge would be empty in a matter of seconds!

Mmm, seconds thoughts, it might solve the problem of the spinach tree growing in the fridge. I could whip 'em up a spinach and tomato tart delicately decorated with cucumber.

In my experience, young men seem to like the taste of a good-looking tart!

(Singing) Food, glorrrrr.............rious........fooooooooooooooood!

Friday, 11 September 2009

Bloody Brilliant Blog Award

I received this Bloody Brilliant Blog Award from the fabulous Brits in Bosnia - at least I think she gave me this particular award......I cant be sure, because my brain feels like a soggy tapioca pudding this morning, if it is indeed still in my head. I think it is gone AWOL.

I would also like to mention Four Down Mum To Go and the super SandyCalico - both who have given me awards in the past, but being an utter dimwit I cant remember if I have thanked them.

So, my great thanks to those lovely ladies for thinking of me and I shall pass it on.

In fact, if any of you guys would like the poster then please have it, cause you're all pretty damn Bloody Brilliant.

Enjoy. I have to go and find my brain now.

Love RMxx


Monday, 7 September 2009

Divine Solitude

Photograph by Paolo Curto/Getty Images

What a pissy week!

After a lovely two week respite I have landed back on earth with a crash and assumed my previous role of Domestic Drudge.

There are too many people in this house. Everywhere you turn there is an offspring of mine or a husband or a relative or someones girlfriend or a pigging salesman at the door hoodwinking my fool of a husband. (My husband said I was cruel to kick him out and that the young salesman looked like he was going to cry. I couldn't have cared less. Get out, get out, get out!)

My gums have blown up to an indescribable painful proportion (I think its gingivitis) so I cant eat, drink or talk much, which is a shame. However, Hubby has taken to whistling and singing of late and appears to be in a very good mood now my tongue is no longer able to wag!

But today is a fabulous day! There is no one in the house but me. Olly is at his new school, which he seems to be enjoying - although I don't enjoy battling the traffic to drop him off and pick him up twice a day. Amber is at her school (she is in the last year of Primary now), Liam is at work and Hubby has gone back to Nairobi for a few days. So it is bliss, bliss, bliss!!!!

I have applied for membership from the affiliating body that I passed my exams in, but you also have to submit relevant work experience and references, so I am just waiting to hear if I have been successful. If so, there are further options, such as more study (for fucks sake!) or opening up my own business - but this is also extremely regulated. They obviously don't want any tin-pot crap then! I'm chomping at the bit at the moment, ready to steam ahead, but all this waiting around is doing my head in. Still, we'll know soon enough.

Anyhow, today is a day of Divine Solitude and although I don't look anything like that bird swimming around in the Indian Ocean or live anywhere like that beautiful tropical island in the Maldives, spiritually I am her and I am there - for today, anyway.

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