Named and Shamed

This is why I have been such a shit blogger lately.

About a month ago I was looking at my husband's work rota and noticed that he had a trip with a certain woman, who has caused me much anguish in the past. Unfortunately, I didn't notice the name until he had actually completed his trip.

I confronted him about it when he came home and he said that when he saw her he 'shit himself' when he realised he would be working with her.

I threw a complete hissy fit, because he had ample time to ring me and tell me, or send me a text or just be upfront about it. But he didn't. (He's a Scorpio - very secretive!).

After some advise from my friends, I let it go, although, I wasn't sure if anything had happened and I had no evidence to assume the worse.

However, I had good reason to be suspicious because this certain woman and my husband had an affair 7 years ago. Although it was a very difficult time in our marriage, we got through it, and I believe, made our marriage stronger. But forgiving is easier than forgetting. No-one forgets.

A week ago, I logged on to his email by chance and found an email from her to him and attached to it was an email he had sent her first! The crafty bugger had deleted all his 'sent' emails.

The gist of it was they were going to meet up on 'Sat 5th December at 6ish for a coffee'.

I rang him in Hong Kong and let rip a torrent of abuse, including that our marriage was over. I then sent them both an extremely scathing email telling them exactly what I thought of them.

When he returned, we talked/shouted/screamed for five days. I have not been in my right mind because here are the things that happened over these days.

1. In a spate of fury I attacked my husband and punched him like a boxer punches a punch-bag. Relentlessly. Being 6ft and built like a rugby player, he took every punch I gave him.

2. I asked my son Liam, if he could 'score some draw' (WTF!!!!!) Luckily Liam laughed at me, saying it would 'addle' my brain. (Sometimes he assumes the role of a parent. I can only hang my head in shame at this one).

3. I am unable to eat any food. It all tastes like cardboard to me and hence I have lost about 10lbs in a week. Its called the Rebel Diet of Diet Coke and Cigarettes!

4. As you know I don't drink, but I got a bottle of vodka mixed it with Valium and sleeping pills and got shit faced. I then proceeded to 'Tiffin' my husband out of his brain.

(What that was about I don't know. Is it like a cat, spraying your territory? It is a primitive and primeval thing that I have yet to decipher....).

5. I have been checking emails, phones, all forms of communication and I don't like this person I have turned into. It is vile. I will not live this life.

6. I keep forgetting things. I thought I put the lamb in the oven, only to discover it had been sitting on the side for TWO hours.

7. I have missed 3 of Amber's dance classes, her 'watching week' and her Christmas Carol concert.

8. Olly has missed 5 days of school due to his performance in Peter Pan, but I keep forgetting to call the school. They keep texting me asking where he is.

I am a complete mess.

My husband's side to all of this is that on the last leg of this trip this 'slapper' gave him some sob story that after he had left her, she got in with a bloke who used to beat her. My husband felt sorry for her and he felt it was his fault that she had got in with a nasty fella and that her life had turned out so shit.

I told my Husband that my life was shit! I have a father I have to look after, a child with Asperger's and a husband that cant keep it in his pants. If you start having empathy and sympathy for the 'other woman', then it is time to get out of a marriage.

I told him that if he wanted to be with this woman then he should just go, I will not stay in a marriage for the sake of it. He said he had no intentions of going anywhere. I told him he 'cannot have his cake and eat it'.

I asked him for a divorce and he refused. He said that he had been a 'prick' and that he had only emailed her to meet for a coffee to help cheer her up, because she was so down! (They both had a trip on the 5th, so they could would be in the same office for about an hour from 6-7). I said, if you start having coffee with a childless spinster of 40 it is hardly going to be left as a coffee! How thick are you???

I only have his word that nothing has happened on that trip or since that trip, and quite frankly that's worth piss all. Although having read back the emails a thousand times, it sounds like nothing happened and this appears to be the only form of communication. But who the hell knows!

I feel like running away and letting them all get on with it. I will not stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of it. My marriage is in tatters and I'm not sure it is worth saving. I told my husband that he can continue to live here, (apart from the fact I will not kill myself from exhaustion looking after his kids, and I need the mortgage paid), but that I now wish to be free to find someone else.

He told me that he loved me more than life itself, that he wanted to grow old with me and spend the rest of our lives together. He said he was stupid to email her. I told him that he was the love of my life, but he has broken my heart again and broken the trust. I told him that I didn't love him anymore and I doubted if I would ever love or trust him again.

I feel so empty.

My husband did not go and meet her yesterday, he was with me at 6pm. He then drove to work and waited outside in the freezing cold and talked on the phone to me for 35 minutes until he had to go check in at 7.45pm.

I wonder if this could be a mid-life crisis? He turned fifty a month ago, his wife is now qualified and maybe he felt surplus to requirements of the family......the attentions of another woman is very flattering and perhaps a boost to his ego.

What I cannot forgive though is the humiliation that I feel.

It is making a mockery of marriage and everything a wife stands for; for being a soul-mate and mother to his children. Humiliating her and ridiculing her position within the family and making it worthless is absolutely diabolical. She knew he was married with kids and it makes me sick. They are both to blame.

However, the wife is a wife for a reason. She is not the mistress, nor the bit on the side, nor the tart he is bonking. The wife is his equal. She is the hub of the family and her strength is the glue to the family. She keeps the kids fed, watered, clothed, washed and educated. She goes on courses to understand her disabled child, she organises everything, she looks after her husband, looks pretty for him, listens to him moaning, becomes his best friend. Looks after her parents, his parents and as if that isn't enough, she'll probably go out to work and bring home the 'bacon' as well!

To this end, I will name you and shame you, because I am worth so much more than you......

Patsy Ryan.

Be content in knowing that if you get my husband it is because I no longer want him.

You are no match for me, I'll crucify you.

Named and Shamed