This is a picture of my mother.
Her head buried in the sand as usual.
Regular readers will recall how my Mother thinks I'm being 'groomed' by my lovely blogging pals, and last weekend she told me that I was her favourite child for 2 and half years, until my sister was born!!!
Yeah.... well, we all have our crosses to bear don't we?
Anyway, last Friday I was invited to attend an award ceremony which was held in London at the Institute of Directors. It was in view of finally passing those bloody exams and becoming a full member of the Accountancy body.
I was only allowed to take one person with me and unfortunately Hubby was in Johannesburg, so Mother muscled her way in and decided she was going to come.
As usual we got behind time because of Mother's incessant nonsensical chatter about absolutely nothing, so I was rushing trying to put on a bit of 'slap' (make-up). I was mortified to discover that I had overdone it with the make-up. My light brown eyeshadow was in fact really dark brown/black and I had put lashings of black Kohl eyeliner on. I resembled something out of a porn movie ... much to my disgust.
Mother, in the meantime, had got rather excited about her jewellery, and was wearing every little piece she had brought with her. She was a walking 'bling'.
With parting comments from the kids on our appearance, 'Oi, what you got on your face?' and 'Nan, you look like a rapper', we left Liam watching the kids and grabbed a cab to the station.
It was pissing down with rain and we spent a hideous 20 Min's stuck inside the confines of a cab, listening to a lunatic cab driver rant about how 'we' are bombing his country! (Oh, just shut up and drive!!!). When I could stomach the rantings no long, I got him to pull over and flung the money at him, whilst Mother and I escaped into the pouring rain.
We caught the train, grabbed another cab and finally arrived in Pall Mall. The IOD was lovely. Mother was extremely happy as the booze was free flowing.
I had asked Mother to take some pictures of me.
This is the one Mother took of me in the hat and gown.
Who the hell is this? That's not even me! This is a picture of a random woman.
And this is the one she took of me going on stage to receive my award from the president:
This isn't me either. This is a picture of the shoulders of the people sitting in front of us!
Luckily, I'd booked the photographer to take some professional photos, so we had to queue up to get my picture taken with the hat and gown. Whilst we were queuing, Mother went in search of more booze.
Mother: I'll just get another glass of wine
Me: Haven't you had enough of a whine today?
Mother(oblivious): Ooh, look at that waiter, there's loads of wine on his tray.
Me: Yeah, you like a nice whine don't you?
(Sometimes I just cant help myself).
I finally got some lovely snaps taken, however, my behaviour in front of a camera has always been a little........sluttish!
I cant help it. I used to model, and its hard to leave those days behind, especially when the photographer is so encouraging. 'Oh, we've got a glamour puss here!', and 'That's it, a bit more, turn this way.....goooood'. It was his fault for encouraging me!
Mother was appalled. 'Everyone's staring at you', she hissed.
'I don't care', I replied, pouting and pushed my boobs out a little more. I do this just to irritate her.
So to irritate me, she somehow managed to persuade the photographer to have her photo taken with me! I now have my Mother in my photos! Urgh!
Admittedly, they are more demure.
While the presentation was being held, I snuck out to go the loo. When I came back, Mother started whispering.
Mother: I never realised what you had achieved.
Me: Does that surprise you?
Mother: Well, you know, you having such a big child......(she meant me having Liam at 17, who is now 23).
Me: Did you not think I could do it then?
Mother: Well, quite frankly, you were the last person I would have thought would have achieved this.
Me: Well, at least I have not lost the ability to surprise you then.
If she stopped playing at being an Ostrich and took her head out of the sand once in while, perhaps she would realise that being labelled for an eternity as a 'teenage single mum', does not always equal useless, stupid and thick forever!
A little faith is required.
(Me singing) Have a little Faith