Monday, 29 June 2009


Today, I look like this!

Bloody exhausted.

I now have FOUR teenagers in the house plus my own two, teetering on the edge of the 'Jelly Brained' years.

Oh, I am a foo-el!

A skint fool at that!

Let me introduce you to them:

Spanish: Wonderful girl, very polite, bit nervous, with extremely over protective parents. The parents say she has to be in by 2100 hrs every night. Poor cow. She is 16! When I was 16 I was out until 6am!

Her parents and the Spanish Agency are always telephoning as well. She's only been here two days and they've rung about 6 times! If the parents are that worried, they really shouldn't send their kids away.

Rude Girl: Says exactly what is does on the label. Bolshy, bold as brass and rude, rude, rude! And fat.

Goth: Nice girl, polite, bit quiet, but has blossomed since she arrived. All that hair covering her face has disappeared, the spots are fading and so is that 'I've been stuck in a room for 3 months with no sunlight' teenage look. She was painfully thin, but she is looking much healthier now.

Quirky: She was really frightened when she arrived. She had never flown before either, so when I picked her up, she looked like she was going to freak out. She has settled in well and found her voice and is really rather quirky and fun.

One of the things I do with the girls is take them out into the garden and do a bit of gymnastics with them. Kind of like bonding in a way and have a bit of fun.

I was trained as a gymnast and although I cant do the somersaults and back-flips anymore I can still do some nifty Arab-springs, cartwheels and handstands etc.

I was just about to show them my Arab-spring when:

Rude Girl: You can do it.

Me (trying to concentrate): I know I can.

Rude Girl: You're not too old.


Cheeky cow

Me (Indignantly): I'm not too bloody old!

With that, I pelted down the garden and performed a great Arab-spring with enough height at the end of have been able to go into a back-flip. (You have to get the height at the end or you'll never get over into the back-flip).

Rude Girl stood there with her mouth open.


That shut her up.

She has no understanding that as a guest in someone else's house, you behave. She behaves when my Hubby is around! I needed to assert my authority.

She was strutting around the kitchen the other day and pushed her belly out so far, she looked SIX months pregnant.

Rude Girl (playfully): Look, I am going to have a baby.

Me: Not in this house you're not!

Rude Girl: I will come and visit you with my baby.

Me: No you wont. Babies are banned in this house. No babies until you're thirty. And don't go home with one in there either!

They all came running into the house yesterday after a day out, squealing like stuck pigs, well, Rude Girl did anyway.

I lost my temper and told her to have a bit of respect when she comes into my house and behave or she would have to be moved. It seems to have done the trick. Boundaries proven, respect granted.

On a different note; Oh Joy of Joys!

Liam is having a bit of a tough time with Rhino (his girlfriend) at the moment and I can hardly contain my happiness.

It seems that Rhino and her mother are inseparable. So much so, that Rhino goes absolutely everywhere with her mother and when the mother say 'Jump', Rhino says 'How high?'.

On their year's anniversary the mother went out with them to celebrate (to a wrestling match no less!!!!), and Christmas/New year/Valentines Day they were also with the mother. (On Valentines Day??????) It beggars belief! I think this is weird.

Now, I cannot understand this, because my family are all very independent of each other. We are there in a crisis, but other than that, we get on with our lives. So this is very alien to me.

Liam rang three times yesterday asking if he could come and stay. I told him, of course he can, and that I would help him, and only him, find a flat and would help with a deposit.

I told Liam that jokes about 'Mother-in-Law's' are made for a reason, and this will never change, you cannot come between a mother and her daughter/son. If their relationship is that tight, then he will have to accept that.

I really wanted to tell him to 'Ditch the Bitch', but I couldn't. This is part of growing up and he has to make that decision for himself.

Apparently, when he says that he is leaving she dissolves into tears. Most irritating.

I told him to grow some balls and be the man that he is destined to be, the man I know he will be.....a great man.

So, lets hope he finds his balls and flees that dreadful woman's clutches!

When I was young, I was never really a 'kid' person. Didn't really find them that interesting, a bit dismissive of them really.

Now I am swamped, overloaded and exhausted with them. Hey ho! Four weeks to go!


Friday, 26 June 2009

Attack Of The Killer Triffids

The flowers in my garden are pretty enough but overnight they seemed to have morphed into some kind of Triffid, with the intent of 'doing me in' with their killer pollen!

My eyes are itchy and puffed up, I cant breathe, I'm sniffing and coughing like some old woman on her last legs. It is so irritating.

So instead of enjoying the sunshine and going down to Glastonbury and shoving unmentionables up my nose and smoking something stronger than a ciggy, I'm stuck at home squirting Beconase up my nose and Opticrom in my eyes!

Oh, to be 28 again, shin up an 18ft wall and slide down a pole to get into the festival. By all accounts, it sounds like its pissing it down there. Poor things. Only the sad sober ones will notice though.

On another note I took Olly to the local Tesco Express to buy him his Beano (he is fanatical about Beano - he has millions in his room). I told him to get his Beano, while I was searching for my gossip rag - the National Enquirer.

I picked up my mag and noticed that Olly was transfixed by something on the top shelf.

Needless to say it was 'Nuts' magazine.

Oh dear, I fear puberty is hitting already.

The Beano will be phased out and replaced by Nuts, Big and Busty and Wide Loads or some such other stimulating paraphernalia!

What can you do?

I have to go now to face the monster killer triffids in the garden, complete with a T-Towel wrapped around my head, in order to hang out my laundry.

Oh, such is life! x


Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Losing My Mojo

I lost my blogging Mojo for a week and I think I lost a lot more Mojo's besides.

That flipping exam knocked it out of me! Mind you, studying for six weeks was far too long...

It took me half an hour to start writing my answers as the paper really confused me - it was all topsy-turvy! Bastard thing!
Then I ran out of time and had to waffle the last question. There was some 'bint' sitting diagonally to me, who caused a commotion in the last 15 mins and the adjudicators told her to shut up or they would throw her out. I could have slapped her.

Still, I completed every question and that was what was required.

I just wanted to say a big thank-you to everyone who commented on previous posts and wishing me luck - you are all so kind in blogland - it really is a lovely place to live!

After the exam was over I then had to rush over to Olly's new school and have a meeting there. The meeting was for children on the spectrum, with their parents, to show them around the school and where the 'safe zones' are if anyone freaks out and also so they get to know the layout.
At the end, we all had to sit in a very warm room and I actually nodded off, I was so tired. Hubby kept elbowing me. I snapped, 'They're lucky I'm here!'

We also had a house full of teenagers, which, because it was there first day, had to be driven everywhere because they didn't know where they were going. I was in and out the house like a flipping yo-yo!

It was like a never ending day. By 11 O' clock I was absolutely shagged and really grumpy. I threw a complete strop and went to bed.

Swiss has gone back home and we now have 3 teenage dirtbags.

They are sweet enough, they just live like pigs and believe me, I'm not exactly a cleaning freak. The room was humming after one day!

On a different note, I seriously felt that I had lost my memory/couldn't be bothered/too knackered to care as on Sunday it was Father's Day, and our 12th Wedding Anniversary and here are the things I did not do.

a) I did not get my Father a card or present

b) I did not get my Hubby a card or present

c) I did not get my Hubby an Anniversary card or present

I hang my head in shame.

I rang Father and thought, I will ask him if he got my card and when he says no, I will blame it on the post being late. In the meantime I'll put one in the post and he'll just get it a bit late..... Sorted!

Me: Happy Father's Day Dad! Did you get my card?

Father: Yes, I got it.
Me: What?

Father: Yes, I got it and I put your names on it.


Me (playing along with it): What do you mean you put our names on it? Are they not already on it?

Father (getting confused): No, I got your card and Jaye's too and it had your names in there.

Well, he didn't get one from me because I didn't send one. That will teach me to play mind games with someone who is not the 'full ticket'.

I was wracked with guilt so I got on the Internet and ordered him a load of books on Egypt, gift-wrapped them and send them via Express delivery. He should receive them today.

I placated Hubby with Tiffin - so he was happy!

Mother had come down to stay Saturday night in order to babysit, whilst Hubby and I went out for a meal. We waited an hour for our starters.

I was furious. The last time we went out was SIX months ago. You would think that if you go out twice a year, odds on you would get served. No. Not in this life!

Mum slept in Swiss' old room, Amber was in with us, the teenagers had Amber's room and Olly had his.

On Sunday morning I was trying to get a lie in, but Amber was fiddling about in my bedroom doing something noisy so I told her to get out.
Hubby was all dressed up in his leathers, ready to go out on his bike, and kept tip-toeing in and out the bedroom. However, every time he took a step, his leathers squeaked.
Squeak.... squeak..... squeak......

I told him to bugger off out.

Whilst I was still lying there I had an overwhelming feeling that someone was staring at me. I flicked open my eyes to find my Mother staring at me while I slept!

Me (barking at her): 'What are you doing?'

Mother (sheepishly): I was wondering where you were.

Me: Well, If I'm not slaving away in the kitchen, I'm in bed aren't I? It's like Piccadilly Circus in here this morning.

Mother giggled.


Me (a bit disturbed): You shouldn't watch people when they sleep, its very creepy.

Why does she do that? It's just not right.

No wonder I've lost my Mojo on all counts; I blame my very strange parents.


Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Well Chuffed!

Just a quick up-date:

The lovely David Mcmahon from authorblog put me on his Post of the Day....I'm flabbergasted!

This is the second time! I didn't even think there would be a first! I'm 'well chuffed' as they say.

He is a bit of dish really - have you seen his photo?

Am I supposed to say that?

Neighbours party :

Nil had his party - started at 2 in the bloody afternoon! Drunken quaffs of laughter drifted over the fence, much to my annoyance. Then the BBQ got under way and unfortunately I had my washing out on the line....

I stomped outside, muttering rather loudly - something like 'sad bastards', and throwing all the party-goers filthy looks. I retrieved my stinky laundry and stomped back in again.

I then went into Amber's bedroom, which happens to overlook Nil's garden, opened all the windows and let the hoover run for about an hour......... Then, I turned my telly up full blast.

I dont even think he noticed!!! Arse!

At 10pm - it rained! I had been praying for rain all day! Oh Joy of joys! Party was finally over........Hurrah!

Saw them both today in the garden - they look very smug!


On Thursday. Very nervous and flipping exhausted. I've missed blogging and been bored shitless - Hurry up Thursday, lets get it over with!


Swiss is still with us until Saturday - however we have 3 more girls arriving tomorrow! My house will be over-run with teenagers......oh, I do like teenagers, so much fun, everything is new and exciting.......I hope they don't bring home the boys like the other lot did last year. I had to chase them off.....


Olly is now out of isolation and back with his class - he is very pleased and so am I. He has learnt a lesson from this - so that is very good on all counts.


She had trouble with a school bully and ended up pulling the girls hair and chucking her shoes at her. The bully now wants to be friends. Told Amber to tell the bully to get lost.



My eldest son is sweet-talking me 'round to letting Rhino come in for a cuppa...Pah! He also wants to move out of the house he is staying in with her and her family and get a place of his own, with her. (He also needs help with a deposit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

God, does it sound like I've got money coming out of my ears?

I take in students for Christ's sake! I'm hardly rolling in it!

Better go, I think my humour is disappearing and my kids are yelling at each other....

Hope to catch up on all your blogs soon - so sorry for not commenting lately.....

Christ! Now Tinky (my cat) and bloody Oscar (Nil's cat) are hissing at each other.....Where's my water squirter?



Saturday, 13 June 2009

Got My Goat

My neighbour has really got my goat!

We live next door to this bloke, lets call him Nil (as in nil points), with his wife of ten years or so and they have no kids - through choice.

Therefore, he knows absolutely nothing about:

a) Kids
b) Noise
c) Kids and noise
d) Family life

Incidentally, Nil also owns that pesky cat, Oscar - the one who has yet to have his balls chopped off, so is therefore full of testosterone and always lurking around the bins trying to scare my cat, Tinky.

(Hubby says he may kidnap Oscar and get him neutered, because he has so much 'front' he strolls into our house and sprays everywhere - vile creature! So we're always having to chase him out of the house.)

Anyway, our house was previously owned by an old couple, then it lay empty for a while until we moved in. So Nil had a noiseless house for a few years and obviously got used to it.

After we moved in, it wasn't long before Nil started complaining about the volume of the telly. I am a bit 'mutton' (partially deaf, due to too much partying and standing next to loud speakers), but I don't think the telly was that loud, so to keep the peace we turned it down and now I have to watch it with the subtitles on because I cant hear a damn thing!

He's complained a few times about it so I've got the 'hump' with him, because we never complain to him that he's reading to loud, or drilling too loud or having noisy Tiffin in afternoon - which must have been loud for me to hear it!

Sometimes I really think Nil has nothing better to do than stand next to the wall with a glass, trying to hear our telly!


I saw him outside in the garden the other day, with his wife. I never see her and have never spoken to her in the 18 months we've lived there.

I suddenly noticed she had got this huge belly!

I thought, right, I'm going to talk to you, so that means you have to talk to me.

Me: OMG! Are you pregnant?

Her: Yes

Me: When is it due?

Her: Couple of months

Me: Congratulations!

Both of them: Thanks

Her: Yeah, you may hear it....

Me: What?

Her: You may hear it crying....

Me (bit bewildered and losing control of my tongue as babies scare me now): I hope not! I've done my time thank-you!

Very awkward silence with shuffling of feet

Me (looking at Nil): Are you ready for this?

Nil: If they're are as good as your kids it'll be no problem...


I'm afraid I could do absolutely nothing to control the look of utter amazement on my face, neither could I do anything about the uncontrollable laughter that followed......

The man's an idiot!

He obviously chooses to ignore my screams and begs of mercy for my sanity, which must echo around Brighton and chooses to concentrate on how loud my telly is instead!

He popped 'round again yesterday to inform me that he is having a party tomorrow and it could get a bit loud and go on for a while. Cheeky bugger! So he can make noise but we cant....

He also invited the kids over but not me!!!!!!!!!!!


Yup, he definitely doesn't like me either.

He's had one of these party's before. Me, the kids and last years students were peeking out of the bedroom window watching all these goatee-bearded hippy types lounging around in the garden, knocking back strange green drinks, children were running amok, flames were coming out of poles, which were placed around the garden. It looked like a kind of seventies, pagan ritualistic commune.

It wouldn't have surprised me in the least if they had sacrificed a goat..........

Maybe I should send the kids 'round to terrorise him, that might be fun to watch....

Either way, this git has got my goat......I hope it pours tomorrow and puts his flames out!


Tuesday, 9 June 2009

The Munster Family

I was glancing in the mirror today, examining the appalling state of my roots when I noticed that on one side of my head (in the corner), the colour of my hair.

It was not my natural colour (mouse!), nor was it bleach. It was not grey, nor a sprinkling of grey nor a salt and pepper look - it was pure bloody white! White, I tell you, frigging WHITE!

My hair has decided to skip the stage of grey and go straight to 124 year old white!

I look like that frigging bird out of the Munsters - Lily Munster!

I can only put this down to recent stressful events:

a) Studying - I do a 3 hour paper a day - complete with Algebra, Time Series Analysis, machine and factory budgeting...........Hey! Stop yawning!

b) My eldest son Liam has declared his undying love for flipping 'Rhino' (his girlfriend) saying that he would contemplate marrying her. Stupid boy!

c) Some idiot who works at my Father's solicitors decided to send him a bank statement directly. My Father - not being the 'full ticket' has received this statement with glee and (being somewhat eccentric in his appearance and manner) has been 'acting inappropriately' at car showrooms, by waving the statement under the noses of the car sales people with the intent of buying a Porche!

Not only that, he has been badgering carpet shops as well, and by some fluke has managed to come out with THREE free carpet off-cuts! I think they only did it to get rid of him. He says he is going back there tomorrow to get some more!

I did remind him that I got him a new carpet for his room 4 months ago - and its still brand spanking new.

I may as well save my breath!

d) My Hubby is driving me mad! When he is not here I miss the extra pair of hands, when he is here is nothing but a pain in the arse! He has this habit of tapping - constantly strumming on tables, chairs anything. Its so off-putting when you have your head in a paper. I think he has a problem. When I hear it - I say:

Honey - those jungle drums are going again - it says.....West Ham Nil......Manchester City 2.

If I don't make a joke out of it, I'd throttle him!

e) Olly is in isolation at school. After the recent scissor incident he is still in his classroom but has to sit away from everyone and on his own. He can spend his break with the other kids, but lunch-time he has to eat his lunch then do library duties. He is painfully bored. But I think he does have to be punished for lobbing the scissors. This is to continue until next week I think.

I did consider taking him away from the school - but there is only a short time left now until he leaves and he would miss out on quite a lot - the school play, going to visit his new school with the SENCO, and all the other end of terms bits.

My Mother thinks he should stay, ride it out and deal with the punishment. Hubby thinks this way too, because if he had taken a kids eye out..................well, you cant even contemplate that.

I'm in two minds. He does have to be punished for what he has done - but does he understand it?

He is not sleeping at night and is now wetting the bed again (we had come so far with that), and he threw another tantrum this afternoon........

Oh, its exhausting!

Well, at least I have earned all of my white hair!

PS Have you noticed its all the men in my family????? Whats that about?

PPS - For once, Amber has been a god-send by singing her head off (Hello Dolly) and its really lovely to listen to..............xx


Friday, 5 June 2009

Bang head here

Dear readers

Firstly I would to apologise if I have not been commenting on your blogs recently, the last few days have been ghastly, to say the least, and today seems to have escalated to a most hideous proportion.

I had been summoned to school this morning regarding the scissor incident with Olly, that happened on Wednesday.

Apparently my son Olly is now considered as some sort of scissor-wielding maniac that is considered by other parents as a threat to the school and society at large.

The parents of the child, who was unfortunately hit in this incident, have been marvellous. I have extended my utmost and profound apologies to this child and the parents, to which they have most graciously accepted, and understand that it was a most unfortunate and isolated incident.

Olly is to make the child a card and to apologise.

However, there are SEVEN sets of other parents who have complained profusely stating that they do not think that the school is safe when Olly is around.

They seem to think that the school is located in some war-torn inner city country, that is rife with gun wielding, grenade-lobbing child soldiers and knife throwing thugs, and the parents of these children MUST be some drug-taking alcoholic, so off their face, they let their child run wild till all hours of the night, stealing cars, robbing old ladies and generally raising menaces to society.

How do I say this?

Oh yes....


He is a mathematical and computer genius - I actually asked him for help with my accountancy exam which is at degree level and he showed me how to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There isn't anything he doesn't know about animals, space, maths and computers...etc.

He can be the most wonderful and caring boy of this earth, he just as an inability to see the consequences of his actions and reactions. He would not purposefully harm a living thing.

Olly was threatened with suspension again and the Head-Teacher was really pissed off having to deal with these parents.

I will be writing a letter to the school so Olly's side is documented and filed. I have also rang up the ASC group and received advice from them - they put it down to moving to high school, just finishing the SATS and also having Supply Teachers.

This situation has been blown out of all proportion - it was an extremely unfortunate and isolated incident - Olly has never done anything like that before.

We live in a society where everyone is so paranoid; the buying of head-gear for babies so they don't hurt their heads when they are crawling. Playing with conkers in now banned unless you are wearing goggles. You cant even cross the sodding road because there are railings all over the place to stop stupid people from running out into the road.

Health and Safety has gone mad and it wouldn't surprise me that after this incident, scissors will now be banned from schools too.

You must excuse me now as I am going to cry and bang my head on a firm surface until I am unconscious. And no, I wont be wearing a helmet.


Thursday, 4 June 2009

Trouble Ahead

Olly has been riding a bit of a smooth wave at school over the last month; I have received no phone calls, no meetings, no complaints, no nothing from the school - which is........unusual!

Having a child with Asperger's is not easy, so when things are 'plain sailing' in a particular area, you wonder when the calm waters will give way to stormy weather. (If its one thing I have learned through all this, it is that unpredictability is actually, predictable).

Having said that, home life hasn't exactly been easy lately;

The odd destruction of a mobile phone, innocently washed under a running tap,

The shattered garage window, (still not fixed!),

Getting his foot stuck in an empty box at the supermarket and trying to kick it off and knocking stuff off shelves in the process!

Ripping a pair of his school trousers to shreds because he was too hot in them....

All these things are really relatively normal in this house.

However, today was very strange.

I received a phone call from his teacher today saying that Olly had got into an altercation with another child at school and the end result was that Olly had lobbed a pair of scissors at this particular kid. However, this kid had ducked and the scissors hit another kid in the head! Fortunately it was the plastic handle side.

For frig's sake!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologised profusely - informing the teacher to please pass on my sincere apologies to the parents and the kid.

I was utterly mortified. I sometimes wonder, if Olly carries on like this, he might end up in prison!

(OMG! I'll be Mimi McGuire from Shameless, visiting her son in prison, then I'll put a contract out on my husband because the drug money has run out! Oh Lordy!!!!)

I raced down to the school and picked him up immediately - he was looking very forlorn. Then I noticed his hair. What was up with the hair???????

It looked like someone has taken a pair of barber clippers and shaved the sides of his head (you know, where the side burns are, but it went up almost an inch higher!).

After much cajoling this is Olly's side of what happened:

Olly had not had his regular teacher, Miss Pringle, for the last few days and so a supply teacher had come in. Olly didn't like the supply teacher one bit and said the lessons were really boring. So during the class he had somehow got hold of a pair of scissors and decided to cut the sides of his hair!

The class then moved to another room where they were supposed to have a singing lesson and whilst they were queuing up outside, some of the kids noticed his hair and started to laugh at him.

What with the queuing, going to another classroom, having a crappy teacher he didn't like and being thoroughly bored, (all pressure points for a child on the autistic spectrum), he lost his temper and lashed out....unfortunately he still had the scissors in his hands.

(What was he doing with scissors in his hand? Where was that bloody supply teacher? Why had she not seen him with the scissors? - Probably some 23 year old puff-head who was too stoned to notice!)

I tried to explain to him, (apart from the fact that he could have seriously injured someone and he was lucky the police were not called), that laughter is a very powerful thing. The kids were laughing at him because he had done a silly thing and the best way to overcome this was to laugh at himself, saying 'yes, wasn't I silly, look what I did'. Laugh with them.

I think I will write a letter to the school asking why my son had a pair of scissors in his hand when he should have had a pencil....however they are off tomorrow due to 'polling day'!

It might give me time to sort out his looks terrible.

Maybe he should go into school saying this is the new fashion...I'm sure we've had a hair fashion like that before - no sideburns.

Olly is due to go to senior school this September, and he doesn't like change. So this year is going to be difficult for him. I have a feeling this is just the beginning...................

(me singing) There maybe trouble ahead......lets face the music and laugh!


Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Luck of the Gods

It has been a very peculiar last few days!

Olly decided to throw a tantrum with the handle on his bicycle! He couldn't stand the bike up properly against the garage window, so he shoved it really hard, and the handle went through the window and shattered glass everywhere!

Something else ruined.....Ho-hum!

I've been studying really hard lately for my exam, (2 weeks to go!) - at least to try to get through a (past) paper a day....Hubby has not been helpful at all.

Found a new mate he has - a biker chum!

I told him I didn't want a load of beer-swilling, leather-clad, bearded road hogs on my lawn, revving their engines, with ZZ Top blaring out of some crappy stereo.

Anyhow, they all took to the roads (relief), but I was left trying to study at home with the two kids continually fighting and in a 34 degree heat. (!)

Git. (Hubby, not the kids).

Later on, I had a complete meltdown which included a panic attack, (very nasty), and me behaving like a petulant child, complete with protruding lip.

(Well, sometimes, in order to be heard by our nearest and dearest, a tantrum is required, however, it didn't do any good because Hubby has now buggered off to Johannesburg!)

Went off to college today and completed another god-forsaken nightmare of a paper. When I showed it to my tutor he said 'I'm impressed'!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh joy of joys!

Then, as he continued to talk in depth about the paper..... I lost my concentration and started thinking about the cat getting a flea jab tomorrow.

Mmm......I dont think that's a good sign.

I got a massive surprise when I got home, apparently David Mcmahon author of Authorblog , chose my blog as one of his Pick Of The Days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think he is a Blog God - he certainly is a God of photos! Check out his website - its fabulous.

Oh happy

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