Saturday, 13 June 2009

Got My Goat

My neighbour has really got my goat!

We live next door to this bloke, lets call him Nil (as in nil points), with his wife of ten years or so and they have no kids - through choice.

Therefore, he knows absolutely nothing about:

a) Kids
b) Noise
c) Kids and noise
d) Family life

Incidentally, Nil also owns that pesky cat, Oscar - the one who has yet to have his balls chopped off, so is therefore full of testosterone and always lurking around the bins trying to scare my cat, Tinky.

(Hubby says he may kidnap Oscar and get him neutered, because he has so much 'front' he strolls into our house and sprays everywhere - vile creature! So we're always having to chase him out of the house.)

Anyway, our house was previously owned by an old couple, then it lay empty for a while until we moved in. So Nil had a noiseless house for a few years and obviously got used to it.

After we moved in, it wasn't long before Nil started complaining about the volume of the telly. I am a bit 'mutton' (partially deaf, due to too much partying and standing next to loud speakers), but I don't think the telly was that loud, so to keep the peace we turned it down and now I have to watch it with the subtitles on because I cant hear a damn thing!

He's complained a few times about it so I've got the 'hump' with him, because we never complain to him that he's reading to loud, or drilling too loud or having noisy Tiffin in afternoon - which must have been loud for me to hear it!

Sometimes I really think Nil has nothing better to do than stand next to the wall with a glass, trying to hear our telly!


I saw him outside in the garden the other day, with his wife. I never see her and have never spoken to her in the 18 months we've lived there.

I suddenly noticed she had got this huge belly!

I thought, right, I'm going to talk to you, so that means you have to talk to me.

Me: OMG! Are you pregnant?

Her: Yes

Me: When is it due?

Her: Couple of months

Me: Congratulations!

Both of them: Thanks

Her: Yeah, you may hear it....

Me: What?

Her: You may hear it crying....

Me (bit bewildered and losing control of my tongue as babies scare me now): I hope not! I've done my time thank-you!

Very awkward silence with shuffling of feet

Me (looking at Nil): Are you ready for this?

Nil: If they're are as good as your kids it'll be no problem...


I'm afraid I could do absolutely nothing to control the look of utter amazement on my face, neither could I do anything about the uncontrollable laughter that followed......

The man's an idiot!

He obviously chooses to ignore my screams and begs of mercy for my sanity, which must echo around Brighton and chooses to concentrate on how loud my telly is instead!

He popped 'round again yesterday to inform me that he is having a party tomorrow and it could get a bit loud and go on for a while. Cheeky bugger! So he can make noise but we cant....

He also invited the kids over but not me!!!!!!!!!!!


Yup, he definitely doesn't like me either.

He's had one of these party's before. Me, the kids and last years students were peeking out of the bedroom window watching all these goatee-bearded hippy types lounging around in the garden, knocking back strange green drinks, children were running amok, flames were coming out of poles, which were placed around the garden. It looked like a kind of seventies, pagan ritualistic commune.

It wouldn't have surprised me in the least if they had sacrificed a goat..........

Maybe I should send the kids 'round to terrorise him, that might be fun to watch....

Either way, this git has got my goat......I hope it pours tomorrow and puts his flames out!



  1. Actually physically laughing out loud!!!! Fantastic post!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love the picture too.
    love widge xo

    p.s our neighbours totally hate us too

  2. LOLOLOLOL! You make me laugh so much with your wonderful writing, you're right what a cockhead! I hope you start banging on his wall when the baby is screaming!

    My neighbours are a young couple on one side, don't see too much of them and a lovely old lady who also says how quiet the kids are?????? erm i disagree and when i'm yelling my head off so much you can hear it down the street she never says a thing? strange! great post! x x

  3. Neighbours... don't get me started on that one. Our Hell ones just came back from 2 weeks holidays and I knew the minute they arrived in the house!
    Good luck today and I think it is time YOU organise a very loud party. He won't be able t say anything now, will he?! :)
    Love this post!

  4. Turn the TV back up girl its your house. when he complains tell you are practising ready for when the baby is screaming rofl

  5. Cockhead LOL That's so funny (not for you obviously)!
    When the new baby arrives, take a pressie for the baby and some earplugs for him! xx

  6. this is the thing with Brighton houses - you can just hear your neighbours totally. I am getting used to it. Next door one way their little girl (aged 5) doesnt got to bed until 11pm ish or later. We can here her mother screaming at her. The other way we can hear their house music. But you know what, they are all really nice. So we are just getting used to it really. People are just funny really. Great that your neighbour is having a noisy party. Gives you the excuse.

  7. We live in a settlement of 16 houses that form an (8+8)L-shape and have a communal lawn/field at the back. We have a neighbour who, when he was a confirmed bachelor, used to moan about all the kids' toys left on the communal lawn and all they noise they made. Now he is married and has two kids of his own, they leave stuff around and make the most noise of all...his 7-year-old screams the whole time in a way that goes right through you!!

  8. I am so glad that I do not share walls!! We never hear the neighbors which is excellent.

    Crank up your tv. When he complains, tell him you will turn it down if he cuts off the balls.

  9. Wow - that's very decent of you to have turned your tv down...I'd say turn it straight back up again...once their baby comes they won't have a second to worry about your noise cos they'll have so much of their own. Cockhead..that made me laugh! x

  10. what an extraordianary Post! a total LOL!

  11. Did you say "cockhead"? I never heard that before and now I think it's my new fave word!!!! Sorry about the crazy neighbor but he'd keep in n blog posts for a year! I am laughing my butt off. Now I'll go pray for his unborn child :-)
    Love, love, love your blog!!!!

  12. I'd hate to know what our neighbours think of us but they never mention the noise. I've noticed we don't get invited to their parties either! I'm with Maternal Tales, I would have turned the tv back up too!!

  13. I love the sound of your neighbourhood. Boy oh boy Nil is really going to get what's coming to him!

  14. He does sounds a bit of a plonker doesn't he! He's got a lot to look forward to though. I wonder if he'll turn his telly up when the baby starts crying.

    CJ xx

  15. Hello peoples!

    Managed to surface from my paper for 5 mins to say thanks so much for your comments.

    Widge - pleased I made you laugh, nothing like a good laugh xxx

    Amy - Little old lady neighbours are the best because they are deaf! Had one before, her telly was really loud, but I didnt care - she was just lovely but very deaf! xxx

    PHM - Neighbours are like Marmite - love it or hate it! I think it is about time to have a party in the Rebel household! xxx

    Stitching Kath - I have turned my telly up & his turned up his!!! Tosser...... xxx

    Hey Sandy! I think I'll just keep the earplugs for me....may move house, come to think of it! xxx

    GSD - yes it is like that in Brighton - we're all so crammed in and built up. The community is lovely here - it just feels like its a 'one way street' with him! Never mind... xxx

    Rosiero - Isnt it amazing how they change when they've got kids? Then, when they become a parent it is as if no-one has been one before them! I do love men, but they are selfish, me, me!!! xxx

    Hit 40 - OMG did I laugh! Cut off the balls - fantastic! I'll do that! xxx

    MT - Very true, he wont be complaining then! I love that word Cockhead - I'm sure we used it as teenagers....time to bring it back! xxx

    Melrox - Pleased I made you laugh. The world is a better place with smile! xxx

    JJ - It is a fab word isnt it? I know quite a few more from my mis-spent youth!

    So pleased you like the blog - love yours too xxx

    clarey - Yeah, we're used to not being invited anywhere - only my London friend Lou invites us to parties - but we nearly had a bit of a 'do' with one of her neighbours until Lou's boyfriend stepped in! Mmm, I think it maybe us. Infamous rather than famous/popular... oh well! xxx

    Mary T - Hubby is getting his amp out as I type, I think he'll blow Nil away with his guitar chords.....oh dear, it could be a mini-war! xxx

    CJ - Yup, Karma is just around the corner for dear Nil....It'll probably do him the world of good becoming a Dad, and snapping him out of that immature, selfish phase....could be interesting! xxx

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read my waffle and commenting on it. I love to hear from you all....

    Much love RMxx

  16. We're really lucky - our neighbours are gems.

  17. You had me giggling, then laughing and then thanking God for my neighbors to the right of us and hopes for new neighbors in the front of us...congrats on Post of the Day mention at David's!

  18. RM I love you!!! this is sooo funny, we had...ahem...problems with one set of neighbours to. They complained about my 2nd crying too much in the night (along with a few loud bitchy comments from his wife!) "We work really long hours" they'd tell me. It was a bit like that comedy sketch (by Python I think). "We work 36 hour days; 9 days a week and only get a brew every second Wednesday" etc. When I got preg. with #3, Mr X next door exclaimed "Ohhh flippin' 'eck" I BLEW my top!!! "Should I miscarry to fit in with your needs then?" I (sort of) shouted (I was entering mad phase of pregnancy here, so I was probably extra scary)! Anyway, since then he smiles at me rather nervously whenever he sees me and his wife is OTT friendly

  19. Just re-read my comment. My grammar is appalling today! It's because I'm so incensed by neighbours!

  20. I wouldn't let my kids anywhere near those assholes (seriously! I'm not kidding). I'm just saying... Congrats on post of the day nomination. I came by from David's.

  21. Hellooooooo!

    David - you are blessed indeed. Although I think most people in Australia are little diamonds. xx

    Sandi - Pleased I made you smile and thanks very much re: POD. Shucks! I'm blushing!

    Katherine - It does drive you nuts! No wonder you blew your top! Your neighbours sound exactly like mine...

    Aah, neighbours can do funny things to spelling and grammar - ?G,,I,,T,,S...(oops) xxx

    Pouty - No, they dont go anywhere near him...Nil is just very immature - obviously - otherwise he wouldnt be inviting kids over without parents! Idiot! He has a lot to learn.
    Many thanks re: POD xx

    Reasons - there is a house for sale in my road - 5 doors away - I promise I'll be a good neighbour...Brighton misses you too xxx

    Many thanks for all your comments - Love RMXX



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