Sunday, 31 May 2009


Its the Oscar Ceremony's here in Blogland!

I have received THREE awards....I'm gobsmacked!

Honest Scrap Award and Lemonade Award from Amy at And1moremeansfour and the Lovely Blog Award from Sandy at Baby Baby, Clareybabble at Clareybabbling and Zooarcheologist at Being A Mummy.

Thank you all so much.......

OK, I think this is how it works (if I'm not sure I'll make it up as I go along!).

Honest Scrap

Pass it on to 7 blogs and 10 facts about yourself (!)

I wont bore you to tears so we'll just get on with the 7 blogs....

Twelve Months of Mayhem

Beautiful Spectrum

Mum in Chaos

A Modern Mother


Maternal Tales

Kaleidoscope Eyes

Lovely Blog Award

Pass on to ten other blogs:

Alcoholic Daze

Are we nearly there yet mummy

Crystal Jigsaw

Fragrant Liar

Frog Blog

Pig in the Kitchen

Wife of Bold

Single Parent Dad

Not Supermum

Swearing Mother

Lemonade Award

Name 3 things to be grateful for and pass on to ten blogs.

1. Liam - Having Liam so young and on my own, opened my eyes to prejudices in the world and for that I am truly grateful. Liam is the air that I breathe and my life and I would do it all again in an instant for him. (However, his choice of present girlfriend remains questionable! lol!)

PS - Happy Birthday Sweetheart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2. Olly - I am grateful for Olly because he has also introduced me to another world - the world of Autism. It is fascinating how his brain works - its not easy by a long chalk, but every day we learn something new and I wouldn't change him or miss a second of it.

3. Amber - For not letting me be the only girl in my family. I love my Prima Donna Baby.

OK, ten blogs to pass on to:


New Mummy

Sane Without Drugs

Supply and Demands

Reasons to be cheerful

Millenium Housewife

Caution Woman At Work

Modern Mom


Baby Baby

Cigarette Diaries

Right, that's it. I'm completely knackered now......I hope you enjoy the awards - if I didn't pass one on, I've probably already given you one already - so I'm sending lots of love across the cyber space and thank you all for taking the time to read my waffle!

Friday, 29 May 2009

Superwoman - not!

Holy smoke - what a crappy week!

Before being married with kids, I used to look like this:

Now, I look like this:

The week started off glorious, with two awards from the wonderful Amy at And1moremeans4.

(I shall do the awards next post).

Then on Tuesday night we had a bit of a storm in Brighton which knocked out my phone line, then the Internet went a bit 'iffy' and finally decided to conk out too.

THREE frigging days I've had with no phone! TWO frigging days with no Internet.......

I have a mobile phone, but I can only get a signal if I hang out the window by my toes.

I waited in for TWO days for the engineer to come and fix the phone....did he come?

No, he bloody didn't. I called them five times from the pay phone over the road and my last conversation ended up with the woman on the other end of the phone reprimanding me because of my use of 'inappropriate language'!

She said she would report me if I continued to use such language.

I said I would report her to Watchdog for inappropriate customer service and working for such a crappy company. (BT by the way!)

I didn't even use the 'F' word!

In other news, Olly decided that Hubby's mobile phone was 'dirty' so he washed it under the tap!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say it is ruined......I can only thank the heavens that he didn't decide to clean the plug sockets as well.

Yesterday, Amber decided to make herself a sandwich with already sliced bread and ended up nearly cutting her finger off with a knife as sharp as a spoon.

How did she do that???????

She was shaking her finger so violently that blood splattered everywhere - all up the bathroom walls, over the floor, she then turned a very nasty green colour and almost fainted at the sight of the blood.

Olly was going a bit mad at this point, panicking........and where was my Hubby? In Nairobi.

What is the point of having a Hubby if he's not around in a crisis?

Amber is fine now, it was just a bit of deep cut on the middle finger.......middle fingers can be very useful sometimes especially when driving with idiots on the road.

My lovely son Liam called me on the mobile the other day, his conversation is improving from the normal teenage monosyllabic grunt. He's 23 on Sunday. I think boys are late developers.

Liam: 'Ello mum'

Me: Hello love - how are you?

Liam: Alright

Me: What you doing?

Liam: I'm in Menorca

Me: What?

Liam: Me and Rhino, in Menorca

Me: I didn't know you where going on holiday

Liam: Last minute deal

Me: Well, how is it?

Liam: Lovely

Me: Can you see the sea?

Liam: Yup

It's like trying to get blood out of a stone, holding a conversation with him.

Me: Whats the weather like?

Liam: Gorgeous

Me: Lucky you. It's pissing down here.

Liam: (some kind of acknowledged grunt)


Liam: I could live here

Me: Can I come too?

Liam: Nah! (Charming).

Me: Have you got your suncream? Condoms? Enough Money?

Liam: Muuuum! Got to go, going to beach now

Me: Love you darling, have a lovely time, call me if you need anyth.....

Phone goes dead.

Oh well, at least he rang. I guess I wont be seeing him on his birthday then. I'll have to scoff the cake with the kids.

Lets hope the week gets better now.....If I looked like ole Superwoman up there, I'm sure my phone would have been fixed in a jiffy.

Unfortunately being covered in hair, looking grumpy and poking my tongue out at the world has no effect whatsoever......Hey-ho!

Monday, 25 May 2009


I finally managed to persuade my mother to read my blog.

Unfortunately, she read the 'Italian Stallion' post and this was the look on her face.

Oh dear.

Not a fan then.

In other news, my Hubby recently declared that he would like to be a house-husband.

We have been together 16 years, married for 12 years and have three kids aged 22, 11 and 10.

NOW he wants to be a house-husband?

When all the hard work is over and the kids are virtually on edge of flying the nest (one hopes), he decides he wants to be a house-husband!

I have no doubt that he would be a better house-husband than I have been a house-wife. I am sloppy, I don't clean unless I'm stressed and the cupboard is mostly bare.

So this is my deal.

Sure honey, you can be a house-husband. Let me pass these exams then I will get a good job working away from home which will include travel abroad to exotic places, because that is where my clients will be based.

Extra perks, like socialising (only on a business scale of course), entertaining clients and having expensive designer clothes (to look good for the clients), meals out (business again) and flashy cars (business again) will be necessary requirements for me.

I will only come home at weekends, then I will slop around, play on my motorbike, ignore the kids and demand dinner at set times. I shall not take you out for ten years and expect sex on demand - even if your really knackered and haven't waxed your bits.

Plus, just so you don't feel too lonely, we'll have another couple of kids and don't count on me to help because I'll be too busy working.

How does that sound?

My Hubby has yet to comment on any part of my proposal.

I think he's getting a good deal - he doesn't have to study too and hold down three jobs....easy, peasy, lemon squeezy!


Saturday, 23 May 2009

BBQ Quickie

Just a quickie for you......

BBQ Season is just around the corner, therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.


When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:


More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:


More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Thursday, 21 May 2009

The Italian Stallion

On Tuesday night I went down to the Swimming Club to do my bit of volunteering as a pool helper, with my screaming kids in tow. (I think the only reason we haven't been chucked out yet is because I help so much and I still pay them!)

Anyway, we had a new recruit, an Italian bloke called Franco. Late twenties....tall, dark, big muscles, tiny speedo's........

Franco needed quite a lot of attention because he is new and his strokes needed to be revised slightly. (What? It's true!)

My kids were, as usual, being right little whatsits, arguing and fighting, so I was trying to sort those two out, when I get a tap on my shoulder. Its Franco, out of the pool, and holding his leg.

Franco: Mya hurta.

Me: What?

Franco: Mya lega...I hava dia crampa.

Me (a bit flummoxed): Well, look, put your foot up against the wall and push into it. Also walk around a bit.

Franco: I thiink ita needa massage...

He was holding his thigh muscle and trying to massage it himself and looking at me expectantly.

I looked down at this very muscly hairy leg and thought....I cant go there. Really, I just cant. Too much temptation.

Luckily for me, the decision was swiftly taken out of my hands...the kids exploded into a full blown screaming argument, so I hurried over to them. In the meantime, one of our regulars, a European woman of about 75 - who can still give you a good run for your money in the looks department as well as the swimming department - got out and gave Franco his much needed massage.

She obviously moves fast this one, on land as well as in water!

I was pleased because I just couldn't do it. (Wimp, I hear you cry and you'd be right!).

However, I went to the pool today for a little swim.

My legs and other bits could have done with a wax but I really just couldn't be bothered - its mainly just retired people there, so no-one gives a toss what you look like, besides they cant actually see what you look like either.

So I went into the pool area complete with purple swimming hat that made my head look like a squashed peanut and pervy looking swimming goggles. I was just climbing in when I bumped straight into Franco!

I was mortified. I wanted to rip that hat straight off.

We got talking for a bit, and after a while I actually realised he was a bit thick! Plenty downstairs, but not enough upstairs! No mental stimulation there, you see. I like a man who stimulates your brain as well as other parts...

Eventually, I smiled and said I hoped to see him again at the next session and swam off.

Whilst I was swimming away, I thought: You know what? If I'd been mid-twenties I would have shagged you, but then I would have dumped you too. Then I would have had to have given up swimming in case of bumping into you again.

But luckily, although I still think like a twenty-something, I no longer act like a twenty-something. I must be growing up.


Monday, 18 May 2009

Lovely Blog Award

Life just keeps getting better doesn't it?

I received this 'lovely blog' award from the truly terrific
Mum In Chaos . Isn't she an angel?


Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

Pass the award to 10 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the blogger to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

My 10 newly discovered blogs are as follows:

Four Down Mum To Go

Bringing Up Charlie

A Boy With Asperger's

That's it folks! Hope you enjoy your blog award with nice 'Cup of Rosy'


Saturday, 16 May 2009

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

Olly finished his SATS this week. He said it went OK and there was only ONE incident in the entire week when he threw a wobbler. I'm really pleased with him. His SENCO teacher was so pleased she rang to tell me.

He did get a bit tetchy the week before, very anxious and kept asking me relentless and endless questions about the SATS.

Me: Olly, I thought you said the trial SAT'S were easy?

Olly: It was easy. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.

Me: Well, the real SATS will be just the same as the trial SATS - so just do it.

Olly: OK.

I don't agree with all this pressure and hype. It really is unfair. We've had to go to meetings at the school, buy books for practise, I even had a letter sent home telling me what I should feed my child and when they should go bed during the exam week! Its bordering on the ridiculous!

Anyway, after school, in the exam week, I just left him to his own devices and I actually found him using imaginative play!!!!!!

For those of you not aware, Olly has never played with his toy cars or little men, making shooting noises, kapow, splat, errrk or partaking in any kind of interaction at all. They have been languishing in his toy box for 10 years, with the hope that one day they will be played with.

Olly was sitting on his bed with the giant teddy bear, some dinosaur bird and a toy snake. The dinosaur bird was pecking the giant teddy! I stood there watching him for a few was marvelous. Just like my first son used to do.

It lasted all of two minutes - but it happened!

In other good news - Amber has gone for a sleepover to a friend, Hubby is away, Liam is at Rhino's (his girlfriends), so it is just me, Olly and Swiss (the student). Dinner was a piece of cake.

I keep thinking I have to go and pick someone up from somewhere because the house is so quiet.

Something else happened too, I managed to get through half a practise exam paper without falling asleep and got most of it right! Gob-smacked!

Life is good, life is sweet, life is Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy. Tra-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaa!!!!


Friday, 15 May 2009

London's Rags to Riches

Lou was organising a dinner with a few friends so I was meeting with her at her house in West London, late Friday afternoon.

One of friends who was invited to dinner was a person called 'Trudy'.

I should just point out that 'Trudy' is just a name in which to protect the identity of this person and in no way signifies this person is definitely of the female sex. She could in fact be a He, or He could be a She. But for the purpose of this post I shall refer to 'Trudy' as a She instead of an 'It'.

Trudy has been in our lives for about 20 years, off and on. A very eccentric character, but extremely creative and very clever. Over the years we have watched her rise meteorically in a specific industry in a way that the rest of us just dream about.

She is very famous in this industry and has made a few bob. It's the classic Rags to Riches life-story, a poor little lost soul who made it and made it well....although just how well, I wasn't prepared for.

I whizzed up on the train to go to Lou's but got side-tracked along the way.

Trudy and I had been texting each other and agreed to meet up for a quick drink beforehand.
I travelled from Victoria, all the way to North London, which is not for the faint-hearted on a Friday afternoon, especially when your lugging around a big, bulky, bastard overnight bag, that seemed to get caught on everything.

After three sodding tube changes, I finally arrived - a bit dishevelled and a bit knackered.

I hadn't seen her in about 6 months, so it was good to have a chat and catch up on our lives. We live in a different universe to each other. She doesn't really have a clue about my life and I don't have a clue about hers.

So I asked her how she was doing. She said that she was doing very well indeed.....In fact she was no longer a millionairess, she was now a multi-millionairess.

I had to ask didn't I!

It appears that she has been catapulted into a financial stratosphere, where only a privileged few are allowed.

I was deeply shocked. I was also shocked at how those words cut me like a knife.

She seemed to think I knew, but I live in my own bubble and had no idea.

It shocked me so much I didn't know what to say to her..... so I laughed. And I laughed. And I laughed! Partly because I just couldn't believe it and partly because I just didn't know what to say! Gob-smacked!!!

She then said she had to run back to a meeting but that I was to get a cab to Lou's and she would pay for it. I said that I didn't like taking money from her, but she gave me the money anyway. We said our goodbyes and that we would see each other later.

I flagged down a cab and climbed in. Then I cried. I cried all the way from bloody Islington to Shepherds Bush with a very understanding cab driver!

Why I was crying? I don't know.

Maybe it was:

(a) The relief of not getting back on that sodding tube.

(b) The fact that someone had actually given me some money which I hadn't worked my fingers to the bone for.

(c) Seeing Trudy again - she still means a lot to me.

(d) The fact that I've been scrimping and scraping around for a bloody fiver since the age of 17 and it has never, ever frigging stopped!

(e) That the money she had given me didn't cover the cab fare!

Anyhow, I finally made it to Lou's, where she had put on a lovely dinner. A shepherds pie that cost 43 quid (!) and lots of booze. Dandy, her boyfriend, did a good interpretation of Tom Cruise from the film Cocktail. Shaking his little cocktail shaker around....!

Trudy text both of us saying she couldn't come, we had all this booze and food and in - bloody loads of it. So, like any normal people, we thought - more for us!

We were all a bit squiffy from the cocktails and I had been watching Lou's two dogs sniffing each other.

I said, "Why do dogs sniff each other's arses - humans don't do that."

Lou replied "I wouldn't bet on it!"

It was right there at that moment, I suddenly remembered;

We were the naughty teenagers making rude remarks about 'rimming' and giggling intensely and shocking our other friends, that it didn't matter anymore about having a 'pot to piss in' - what mattered were friends, family and having each other to rely on, to have fun with - through the good times and the bad times and through the Rag times and the Rich times.
I just wish it my rich time!


Thursday, 14 May 2009

My Son's Wedding

I dedicate this to anyone who has a son. xx

This was received from a woman who was slightly disappointed regarding her son's choice for a bride.......


Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Confessions of a night time blogger

I have had my nose in various books for the past few days and now I am in danger of becoming a secret night-time blogger.

Apart from the fact that when the kids are here, they are always on the computer or to be correct - fighting over it and during the day Hubby or the student are peering over my shoulder and I just cant type if I know someone is peeking or loitering with intent to read.

Wait until it's done!

Not that my family ever read my blogs, they have all confessed they don't have the time. Charming! Honesty is the best policy I suppose. I know Lou and Dandy (my friends) read it occasionally.

Anyway, I have my studies to do and my last exam paper is 5 weeks away, which I must pass or I'll go mad if I have to re-sit the damn thing again. It's the last hurdle so as to speak.

So I shall be blogging less for a bit - unless of course there is any gossip with which I must inform my 'Dear Diary'.

Actually I do have a bit of gossip, but it's saved in drafts because I don't know if morally I should tell the truth or cover the truth with glossy accessories for fear of being found out, or not write it all. It doesn't hurt anyone except me, it may hurt someone else - if they take it that way - but it might be an interesting read for you.

Oh dilemma's, dilemma's!

Lou, Dandy what do you think? Should I spill the magic beans about Friday?


Thursday, 7 May 2009

Award Time!

I'm chuffed to bits! A huge thank you to my little chum Maternal Tales for giving me an award. I'm very proud and it's my first so.....Yippee!

I have to list 5 current obsessions and then pass it on to 5 more fabulous blogs. (Shame it cant be more because there are some fabulous blogs out there).


1. Chocolate - Cadbury's or a Swiss only. Very fussy about chocolate.

2. Theatre - The kids are rehearsing for their current play and I stand outside the school and listen to the rehearsals - mainly the singing, I could listen to any kids singing for hours - its beautiful. And of course the, two, three, four.....two, two, three, four.....three, two, three, four....That always makes me smile.

3. Studying (exam time). I drifted off half way though a paper yesterday, it was that riveting!

4. Trying to get hold of Liam (eldest son) and his phone is always switched off. Drives me nuts!

5. Riding on our motorbike. I'm not a biker chick, I just like the feeling of the freedom - it's like being a bird soaring free.

OK, now I'll pass this fucking fabulous award onto:

Amy at And 1more means four Because she is an amazing mum and I don't know how she does it.

Motherhood: The Final Frontier Because she is one clever girl and her blog never makes me fall asleep, unlike my sodding paper.

Milennium Housewife. Her blog always makes me laugh. A wit like that is worth millions

Mother of Shrek. One of the most informative blogs on autism. And Casdok is amazing.

And Sticky at Sticky Fingers. She always makes me laugh. Another fab blog.

I would have also picked Reasons but she has already been nabbed by Maternal Tales.

On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then “add image” in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the “picture” widget. Also, don’t forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by leaving a comment on their blog.

That's it. Enjoy xx


Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Thank You

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog and for all your kind comments and being so supportive - I've been feeling a bit low lately - but you all cheered me up immensely. So thank you kindly.

Having read quite a few other blogs, it seems that I'm not the only one having a bit trouble at the mo. Maybe it's a lunar thing.......or a mummy thing.

Having popped a few pills, (sadly only Anadin), I'm now as happy as a pig in muck!

Talking of muck - 'Swiss' the student, a tiny slip of a girl, managed to clog up the toilet. So bad it was, it flooded the bathroom floor - which she wiped clean with a towel then threw the sodden thing in the bath and left it to stink for an hour. (I was out with the kids when this happened).

When I came home, 'Swiss' made herself scarce, while I was literally up to my elbow in toilet water trying to unclog the toilet. (I would never, ever, ever be a plumber, a most disgusting job).

I called Olly to come and help me, barking 'Your a small man, you should be doing this'. Hubby was away as usual.

All Olly could do was inform me of the physic's of gravity and the workings of a toilet - which I cant even explain because it went right over my head.

I had a long metal pole, which I had trying to shove down the toilet to clear the blockage.
Olly said, 'You should have something soft and bendy so it goes around the 'u'-bend, so you can poke it clear'.
I am clearly not the mechanical type.

Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! I left it alone. Put a note on the loo - Out of Use.

I then went into the kitchen and all the lights had blown. Could I find a pissing light bulb? No.

Then the latch on the bin broke so when you step on the peddle the lid wouldn't lift, then the kettle wouldn't work - element gone - so I had to boil water for a cuppa in a saucepan, in the dark.

What is wrong with the universe? It is conspiring against everyone at the moment.

But thanks for being there. xxx


Sunday, 3 May 2009

Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll

The last few days have been very difficult.

Olly has been a complete pain. He is not happy at school at the moment and wont speak about it. (Typical autistic trait). He is so moody, it's like he's walking around with a black thundercloud above his head - all the time!

He has to be encouraged and cajoled to do anything - even to go to the loo. He would be quite happy just to sit in front of the telly or the computer imitating a Buddha for 24 hours a day.

I am absolutely exhausted with the amount of patience I have to constantly exhibit - when all I want to do is scream with sheer frustration.

Hubby has conveniently had to visit San Fransisco for the weekend (Oh, honey, I have a great idea. Lets get married, have kids and I'll sod off working abroad and leave you with the kids 24/7. that'll be nice, wont it?).

Being completely side-tracked by the event of the last few days, I completely forgot it was a Bank Holiday, which means no school on Monday. School is the only respite I get so I'm pissed off.

The kids cant be left in a room together for any length of time because they argue and start fighting. This is every minute of every day. Never do I get any peace when they are at home together. Never.

I can only put it down to Karma and the fact that because I enjoyed myself so much in my twenties, that I have relinquished any 'rights to fun' whatsoever for my thirties and my forties. High price to pay!

My friend Lou managed to shift her kids to the Grandparents for the weekend so she could have a break with her 'Dandy'. Unfortunately for me there are no Grandparents.

Maybe I should put an ad in the paper:

Loving Grandparents required for two uncontrollable little monsters. Tendency to shout, bicker, argue and fight, however good rates of pay with free muzzle accessories provided.

It has got to the point where I cannot sleep and just pick at my food, even nibbling on a little bit of chocolate makes me feel sick, which is most unusual!

I was crying into the chili I was making this evening, when 'Swiss' the student walked in. I had to pretend it was an acute case of hayfever.

Maybe I should have gone out with a 'bang' in my twenties with some illicit sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll story:

Pretty, slim, blonde, 22, found naked in pop star's apartment. Judging by the smile on the girl's face and the big, fat joint in her hand it is believed that she went happily after a night of boozing, drugging and frolicking. Detectives declined to comment on the grin.

Instead of:

The haggered woman with bleached hair originally identified as being 225 years old was in fact 40. The heart attack was believed to have been brought on by the extreme stress of having naughty children and a husband who preferred to work rather than take her out. She was only identified by the tattoo on her forehead which said 'wipe your feet here'.

I wish I had known at 22 what my life held for me at 40.

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