Friday, 27 November 2009

Bright Idea

God! What a crappy day yesterday was.......I feel as miserable as this relentless rain we've been subjected to. Eight days of drizzle......EIGHT, with intermittent fleeting intervals of sun, hail and gale force winds.

I had the bright idea of doing a bit of Christmas shopping....physically....not virtually....I also had another bright idea of taking the bus, because it is bound to be more convenient and green etc, etc, etc.

I am a FOOL!

And this is why.....

1. All Bus stops are all 'out of order' in Brighton's City Centre (Why? Just to inconvenience shoppers and bugger up your day).

2. I was dropped off about a mile away and had to drudge back to the shops up a really steep hill in a bad temper.

3. Went into a book shop and set off all the alarms. I was interrogated like a common criminal. After much indignant yelling I was let go.

4. After sticking up my nose, I stomped out of the shop and spent what little money I had in other shops.

5. Finally trudged back to the bus stop, loaded down with shopping bags.

6. Where's the frigging bus stop gone?

7. Bus stop had moved half a mile up the road. Dragged feet and bags to make-shift bus stop, which was unfortunately outside a shop that was being renovated.

8. Builder's van pulls up and burly inconsiderate white van driver tells everyone in the make-shift bus queue to move along as they were clearing out the shop.

9. I grumbled loudly whilst complying.

10. My ears where then viciously assaulted by lumps of concrete being slung into back of the van.

11. Lost my temper completely and yelled at the builders calling them a 'bunch of 'fu**ing to**ers'.

12. The builders laughed.

13. Stomped off down the road, juggling bags and lit a ciggy.

14. Then torrential rain poured down. My soggy ciggy was thrown to the floor unsmoked. My paper Primark bag got so drenched it disintegrated, spilling the contents of my shopping all over the pavement.

15. No b'stard bothered to help me. They just stood and stared whilst the builders continued to laugh.

16. When the bus finally came, I soaked to my knickers.

17. The bus driver was an aspiring rally driver and when my bus stop came into sight, he took the corner at about 50 miles an hour and sent me sprawling across two empty seats.

18. My shopping went flying again and I held everybody up from getting off the bus trying to gather them up.

19. This attracted the attention of some madman/tramp on the bus who then waffled on in an incoherent drunken manner about bad bus drivers.

20. Having shaken off the tramp, finally arrived home. I was trying to make a cup of tea when I tripped over my Hubby's laptop lead which was trailing around the kitchen. I broke the lead and almost broke my sodding neck!

Hubby's answer to this day of hell was 'Do you have any more Bright Ideas?'


Monday, 23 November 2009

Senior Moments

Apparently, after twenty-three years of nagging my eldest son Liam on 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness', I achieved absolutely nothing.

This is the state of his bin......

.....after just ONE day!!!

Needless to say, I am now charging him for services rendered.

Clearly, just nagging does not do the job, I must develop a certain 'lashing' to my tongue in order to be heard.

In other news, Hubby turned the huge '50' the other week and I think its effecting his brain.

He seems to be more absent minded than usual, but more disturbingly when he is making dinner, we seem to be enjoying the delights of 'mushed up' food more frequently, such as mashed potatoes and mashed swede and carrots, mashed sausages.......everything is mashed. Unless its soup.....!

It is resembling 'baby food'.

I should have seen this coming.

When I make dinner he always mixes his food up and crunches it down. His eating habits remind me of my old Grandad, who used to mash his food up, because he had false teeth at thirty.

Whats wrong with him? He's still got his own teeth!

More worryingly, he was supposed to go on a course this weekend and forgot to set his alarm, so at 9am Sunday morning I was rudely awoken by foul-mouthed rants because he missed his call. This means his whole rota will now change from now until Christmas. (We had to wait months for that Christmas rota to come through).

Ole muggins here is going to have to split herself in two in order to pick up all the kids at the same time from different locations.

Its like being married to an old man.

Visions of catheter's and pee bottles are wafting around my blenders and zimmer frames, false teeth floating in water......Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lets just hope it a passing senior moment.......


Thursday, 19 November 2009

Stress Rehearsals

Oh dear..... stress, stress, stress........

I'm sure I'll drop dead of a heart attack soon.  My stress levels are soaring to an inordinate proportion as I am running around like a blue-arsed fly.

(And where the frig has my spell check gone?  I have uploaded this new posting thing from blogger, but there is no spell check!)

It also seems that life in general has shifted into a higher gear as we're now propelling towards Christmas at a hideous speed...

You may remember I told you that Olly was appearing in Peter Pan at Brightons Theatre Royal.

(This is also sponsored by Robinsons in conjunction with Put on a Panto.  You may have read about it on other blogs such as Bringing up Charlie, Jo Beaufoix and A Modern Mother).

Well, rehearsals have begun this week.

SIX days a week he has to rehearse.  Mon-Fri after school and Saturday all day.  So that means a lot of extra running around and organising and no time for homework - which Olly is estatic about.

We finally found his school bag, which he left on a bus.  It was at the buses Lost Property.  However he has now managed to loose his coat and bleeding rugby boots that cost me an arm and a leg!

Olly has also managed to get a detention after school for fighting.  Idiot boy. 

I had to ring the school and beg them to change the detention as it overlapped with the rehearsals of the play.  They conseeded to give him 2 half hour detentions instead of one, one hour detention.  That gives me enough time to pick him up, shove food down his neck, get him changed and drop him and another kid off at rehearsals.

I have managed to enlist the help of another mum, who's stress levels are non-existent. She has a lovely calming effect.  Shame she cant bottle that, she'd make a fortune.

Yesterday I had a phone call from Olly saying that a teacher had dropped dead and that they were shutting the school!

Luckily the poor chap didnt drop dead in a lesson, but everyone was so upset they sent 1500 kids home.

Shocking innit?  Never heard of that before.

I wouldnt have minded if a couple of my gruesome teachers had popped their clogs, when I was at school.  Mainly 'Giller the Killer', my hockey teacher.  Nasty bit of work she was, used to swing her hockey stick at us in a very menacing way and aim the hockey ball at your head.  You learned how to dodge though.  And our horrible typing teacher, who used to rap your knuckles with a ruler if we weren't typing fast enough.  (I stuck gum all over her chair, which ended up on her clothes.......I have no regrets).

Better go, time to run round like a headless chicken again.......xx

Oh where, oh where is my sodding spell check?

Sunday, 15 November 2009

Blogland Oscars

Well, I hope you've got all day, because I've got about a million awards to give away.  They're coming out my ears!

I wish it was money coming out of my ears.

Anyway, off we go.

My first award was given to me by the lovely Rosiero at Alcoholic Daze.  She is a little angel.

These are the rules:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.  Thank you my darlin'

2. Copy the logo and place it in your blog.  Done

3. Link the person who nominated you.  Also done.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that no one would really know. Oh, crap!

a) When I was 9 I had to go to confession for nicking a chocolate roll from the fridge. (!)

b) Having been bible bashed as a child I no longer follow a faith. 

c) My first car at 17 was a Ford Capri Mark 3 with no tax and no insurance!  And, yes I did get caught and charged and fined. Taught me a lesson.

d) My first business venture was at the age of 13.  I sold Pierre Cardin pens at school.  I made a good profit and blew  the lot on sweets.

e) When I was 10 I cut the heels off my shoes so I could get a new pair. 

f) At 15 I stole a motorbike with my cousin and boyfriend.  We ended up crashing it.  We then went and stole a second one and blew the tyres out on it.  The bikes belonged to a distant relative.  They have never forgiven me.

g) I used to be wild.

5. Nominate seven 'Kreativ Bloggers

These guys are fabulous Kreativ bloggers,

Jennysmith at The Cigarette Diaries

Really Rachel

Casdok at Mother of Shrek

A Modern Mother

Sticky Fingers

Rosie Scribble

Jo Beaufoix

My next award was given to me by the fabulous Maternal Tales and Wife of Bold.  The Zombie Chicken Award.

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all."

Hell hath no fury like a Zombie Chicken Award not given!  So, the Zombie Chicks are:

Modernmom at How to survive life in the suburbs

The next award was given to me by the lovely Discontented Little Mummy

I pass this award onto:

Kelly at A Place of My Own

Ice Queen at The Constant Chill

Cause I love your blogs!

The Honest Scrap Award which was given to me by Really Rachel.  Thank you sweetie.

The Rules:

1. ‘The Honest Scrap Blogger Award’ must be shared.  Done

2. The recipient has to tell 10 (true) things about themselves that no one else knows.

You've already had 7 so I'll tell you 3 other things

a) Lou and I bunked off school at 13 and ran away to London.  We ended up at the nightclub Camden Palace.  Half way through the night, our parents arrived and had a massive row with Steve Strange (the owner) and dragged us back home.

b) Angie Bowie (David Bowie's ex) tried to marry my boyfriend!  (No lie!)

c)  I once sang on a backing track and my boyfriends manager said I was really good.  I am tone deaf and cant sing a note. Show's how much he knew!!!

3. The recipient has to pass along the award to 10 more bloggers.

4. Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them.

Ten Bloggers coming up:

How I like my coffee

Insomniac Mummy

Just Twaddle


Ladybird World Mother

JennyMac at Lets Have a Cocktail

Discontented Little Mummy

Wife of Bold

Four Down Mum to Go

Wives and Daughters

Knackered yet?  Still a couple to go.......

 My next award was given to me by the wonderful 20somethingmum

Here are the rules:
1. Each Superior Scribbler must pass the award on to 5 more deserving Bloggers
2. Each must link to the Author and Blog from whom they received the award
3. Each must display the award on their blog
4. Each must post the rules on their blog for those five to copy.

My superior scribblers are:

Grits Day

Brits in Bosnia


Zoo at Being A Mummy

and Caution Woman at Work

And lastly but by no means least 'The Circle of Friends Award' given to me by the ever fabulous Maternal Tales.

I would like to pass this one on to these special guys.

Maternal Tales

Crystal Jigsaw

Amy at And1moremeansfour

Millenium Housewife

Jo Jenkins at The Fifty Factor

Reasons to be Cheerful

Rosiero at Alcoholic Daze.
Well, thats it.  I hoped you enjoyed it. 
I'm off to watch the FiX-factor in a mo, to see which other person who can sing is out!

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Cheeky Monkey

I feel like this today.

Rolling my eyes, at yet another crappy day.............

Hubby has left his orange mobile phone in a hotel room in Vancouver. The hotel are trying to get it a flight home.

However, the airline is in dispute with the unions and strikes about to start. The phone maybe stuck in Canada for the foreseeable future...... Lucky phone!

Olly left his school bag on the bus complete with dinner money pass (I've just put £40 quid on on it!!!), bus pass, locker key, PE kit, homework etc. We have been running around bus stops trying to chase the errant bus, but surprisingly, it was too quick for us. I Phoned Central Control, who informed the Bus Inspectors, and arranged a rendezvous with the driver. We finally got to the supposed rendezvous but the driver had changed and the bag had disappeared!

For F***ks sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We now have to wait to see if it turns up in the Buses lost property. Oh, what fun that will be, wading though all that!

I caught Nil points (my bugger of a neighbour), nicking my cable! He ran a long thick pipe from my cable inlet to his house. He came round and said that he was only checking that it worked, because his cable wasn't working. It was stuck there for about three days, until I pulled it out.

His new baby is a 'mini-me' . A little boy I think. It is so good, I have yet to hear it cry. I just hear absurd cooing noises through the wall, made by his parents.

Why, oh why, does such a cheeky monkey of a neighbour have such a good baby? My lot did nothing but yell and scream and never let me get any shut-eye for TWO years. The yelling and bickering still continues.....

Nil confessed to having one difficult night with him and his wife was in tears because she wasn't dressed by 10 o'clock. So he made her a cup of tea.

I confessed to Nil that I used to wet myself because I didn't get time to go to the loo with two of them to look after and there was no Hubby around to watch them whilst I had a shower, so I had to stink!

(That'll teach him to bloody show-off with his good baby!).

Needless to say I haven't seen him since. At least he's stopped nicking my cable now.

My car is doing peculiar things too, like short-circuiting. (It's not the only one!). It keeps resetting the clock back to zero and doors fly open when you are driving. It thinks its Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang. Blasted thing.

The garage roof is leaking and so is the shed roof, all over my storage stuff!

A ton of bills have dropped on my doormat, which I shall frame as I cannot pay them.

I have no floor in the hall, because a radiator leaked all over it and ruined it.

Amber smothered TWO white towels in red lipstick...........

Oh, the list goes on. I think you've probably had enough now.

BTW Its my Hubby's birthday today. He has hit the magical 50!!!!!!!! Never thought we would see that one. Scary. It creeps up on you when you least expect it.

So I feel like that orangutan up there - isn't he cute?

From one cheeky monkey to another.......kisses and saucey winks to you. xx


Monday, 2 November 2009

Hot Forks

Oh my God! Is it over? Is that hideous Half Term week finally over?

It must be. I can hear nothing but silence in this house.

I feel like that shattered looking squirrel, completely done in.

The considerable torture that parents have to go through during Half Term week is nothing short of barbaric!

There should be a law against Half Term week.

I may as well have been tied to a post for a week and prodded with hot forks.

Not only were the kids off but Liam also took a week off work and Hubby was home for a few days.

'Oh, that's more help', I hear you cry.

Noooooo! That's a house full of lazy, smelly, dirty boys!

The house smelt like a sweaty boys locker room. Bums and feet!

The whiffs that emanated from the boys bedrooms where foul. Liam was the biggest stinker, being holed up in his bedroom for the entire week. The pong from his room was enough to make your hair curl. (We discovered later it was his slippers.....Ugh!).

I did nothing but run round clearing up after everyone, picking up their stuff, throwing open windows, doors, trying to get rid of the stink; hoovering and cleaning everyday. It was nothing short of slave labour.

And the NOISE!!!!!!!!

So much bloody noise!

There would be intermittent silences followed by loud crashing noises followed by shouts of OOOOOHHHH, AAAAHHHHHHHHHH, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. The times I jumped out of my skin.

I took those kids out everyday for a 'run' and still they had boundless energy. They remind me of dogs. I'm not partial to dogs.

And don't go thinking that Amber was a little angel.......the minute my back was turned, that little madam was up to no good.

On Sunday I had to go and visit Father again, so I took Olly with me, picked up Mother on the way and left Hubby, Liam and Amber at home.

Mother was actually quite well behaved this trip. Father would wander off one way and Olly would go the other - so one of us would run after the 'wandering one'. It was quite mentally and physically exhausting.

Anyhow, when I finally got back home, unbeknown to Hubby and Liam (useless pair), Amber had got hold of my pink nail polish and daubed pink paint on just about everything. She also stuck stickers all over my armchair. More horrifyingly, she had grabbed a pair of scissors and cut a fringe into her hair. You know, one of those fashionable cover-up baldy type fringes.

I was aghast!

I told her I was taking her to the hairdressers, but she couldn't wait could she?
I can only trust in Karma. What goes round, comes round.

Children should come with a health warning:

BEWARE: This child may cause loss of sanity, premature aging, frazzled nerves, extreme money shortage, teeth loss, gum disease, hair loss due to unavoidable pulling, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure and sleep deprivation. Avoid becoming a chocoholic, alcoholic, or dependent on prescription drugs. Can cause adult to self-destruct and in extreme cases may cause death.

Mmmm......Maybe its just my kids that should come with a health warning!


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