Monday, 11 January 2010

A Shining Light

Happy New Year everyone!

Hope you all had a fantastic Christmas and brought the New Year in, in style!

I think I blinked and missed a decade it went so fast.

Apologies for being away for so long, but I've been a bit of misery lately and thought it best to stay away. (Wouldn't want to be the bearer of miserable tidings, sorrow and woe!)

I also thought I had 'turned a corner' after my last post concerning a certain 'Slapper' and my Husband. But it was a false inclination and instead I plummeted headfirst into a deep abyss.

Here's a quick run-down our jolly Christmas and New Year!

The Silent Assassin

A few days before Christmas, I was buggering about in the kitchen fixing a salad for dinner. I heard my Husband laughing at something on the telly in the other room. I had been brooding on that blasted email and hearing him sound so jovial and happy while I was so miserable, caused my self-control to snap and my temper to flare.

I picked up the salad bowl and flung it at the kitchen wall. It shattered all over the floor. Hubby came rushing in, thinking it was an accident and soon realised it wasn't when a heavy mixing bowl whizzed past his head and smashed into the kitchen door. This was quickly followed by a mug, a wire rack and a saucepan.

He is quite a good 'dodger', although I could be a lousy shot.

He scarpered out of the kitchen, whilst I flew out the back door and grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which happened to be a garden spade.

The shed was the first unlucky recipient of the spade, with a good few gashes taken out of it, the garage door also got a good smacking and now wont close properly and needs a couple of coats of paint, but the BBQ got the worst of it. It lay pitifully on the ground smashed to pieces.

Oh...... how I wished it was her. And he was bloody lucky it wasn't him!!!!!

I was in a 'murderous' rage. I have never been so angry. But the scary bit was that not once did I yell or scream or shout. It was like a whirlwind of destruction. Like a Silent Assassin. But I'm only human. Even machines have breakdowns.


A couple of nights later, I ran away from home. I didn't go very far or for very long because it was bloody freezing, but it was long enough for Olly to run into Liam's room and demand 'What have you done with Mum?'

It also warranted some concerned phone calls from my Husband, which I didn't bother answering. I was finally 'driven' home, by reoccurring thoughts of frostbite.


Mother came down for Christmas and with her came the other 'Silent Assassin'.

The onslaught of those dreadful Panic Attacks, which were ghastly. They creep up on you when you are least aware of them and usually when your stressed out. I had three attacks a day all over the Christmas period. Funnily enough, when Mother finally left, they disappeared!

Obviously I cannot cope with the added pressure of irresponsible parents.

Mother would start on the Vino at midday which would really annoy me. I know its Christmas, but I don't see why I should put up with a pissed mother. Its disgusting.

Battered Prawn Crumb

My other parent, Father, rang 3 times Christmas Day. Each phone call was more agitated than the last, so on Boxing Day I drove that 200 mile round journey to see him, with Mother and Amber in tow.

A frightful journey, but Dad was pleased to see us. We took him to a Harvester or some equivalent, where he threw a complete tantrum at me in front of loads of people over a cigarette!

He wanted his cigarette NOW, but he has to be escorted everywhere he goes. I wanted to eat something first, because I hadn't eaten in days. So we had a massive row. I had one chip and went outside with him whilst Mother and Amber ate their meal in peace. (Lucky them).

Father then started to choke on a battered prawn crumb that had got caught in his throat! I had to pat/rub his back and get sips of water down his throat to dislodge it, in case he choked to death. He was still clinging to his ciggy.

The Light of My Life

Through out all of this crap I was still running Olly to and from the Theatre Royal in Brighton, where his play, Peter Pan was showing. He played 'Spud', a Lost Boy.

Together with Hubby, Mother, Amber and Liam we went to watch his performance on Sunday 27th December.

It was like all my Christmas' and birthdays rolled into one. A shining light on a dull and dark murky world that glitters momentarily. But a light that is so strong, so bright, that it dazzles you and you never forget its beauty, no matter how brief it was. (An hour and a half).

Never, have I been more proud of my son. To see Olly on that stage, happy, enjoying himself, doing everything that he loves, made my heart surge with pride, love and joy. He made my Christmas. He made my year. He lit up my life and saw that it was worth every moment of excruciating pain for this moment of exquisite joy. A shining light. A ray of hope.

Here's a sneaky piccy of the cast. I may have to whip it off in case it infringes some publication rights, but for the moment here it is:

Olly is the tall boy, right in the centre with the dark hair and a hat on. He is looking towards the camera and SMILING!!!!!

However, the last performance was on the 3rd Jan and Olly was back to school on the 4th. I got a phone call that day about 1pm saying Olly was being suspended from school for one day due to fighting with other boys and telling a teacher to F*** off!!!

Oh well, you cant win them all can you?



  1. Sometimes you just need to look at the good and save the bad and put it away. Then bring it out and hit it with a spade.

    You're my new role model, but I'm a lousy shot too

  2. Wouldn't it be nice if we could bottle those precious moments up and use them for the times we feel lousy. I don't think your post was meant to make me smile but it did, in a bittersweet kind of way. It's obviously been a difficult time and now I hope you can look forward to a new year. We don't know what it will bring but I'm hoping it will have many more smiles to come.

    Take care sweetheart, K xx

  3. What a wonderful picture. Olly looks so, so happy. I am so sorry for the horrible time you have been going through. I wont offer any platitutes as they prob wouldnt help. I al aslo sorry to have used a blog name so similar to yours.

  4. Maybe the smashing session got it out of your system. Do hope 2010 is better for you.

  5. Welcome back sweetheart. Missed you. Just love that photo of Olly - I feel proud on your behalf! Don't worry about the smashing episode. It happens to us all, I'm sure. Has happened many times here - best to get it all out in the open I say. Much better than bottling it all up. At least hubby knows ahow you feel!! Here's to a much, much better 2010 for us all xx

  6. For more reasons than there is room for in a comment box, you are fab and inspiring. Your honesty and wit about the best and the worst of life, keeps us all ploding on. I Love your blog. X

  7. Glad you're back to posting. I've been thinking about you.

    What a time you've had. I am so sorry. Please, please take care of YOURSELF. And, know that I'm cheering you on.


    PS Olly looks joyful! Congrats on a great show.

  8. I was wondering how you were getting on - glad to hear you're ok but do make sure you take care of yourself, sounds like you've still got far too many pressures on you

  9. He really stands out of the crowd, what a fantastic smile, you must be so very proud.

    Sorry to hear that things have been difficult recently. I hope writing about it has helped.

  10. Sorry to be so late on this. I really admire your strength and courage. And throwing things is probably a lot healthier than bottling it up really xx

  11. Hi hunny pie!!! A good smashing always makes us feel better my favourite has to be the kitchen door, i've slammed that so hard i'm surprised its still there lol! Keep strong and i'm sorry you've got so much going on. Olly looks wonderful in that picture what a star he is!! Take care of yourself and get some target practice so the salad bowl lands on his head next time xxxxx

  12. You are so strong, wish I had your strength.

    I am a thrower and smasher and it is the best thing to do, keep strong :D x

  13. Hi! This is incredibly random, but you have an award at my place. Come have a look! I should probably say please. Please come have a look!

  14. Cripes! Has it been so long since I blogged?

    Time is running away with me, or I could be running away with time. Who the hell knows?

    WHC - Ha! You made me laugh! Wielding a spade around my head seems to be wonders for the soul! A role model? Ah my darling you're fab to say that. You're too kind. xxx

    CJ, my dear friend. If they could bottle that a fortune would be instantly made. Xmas is always a pain in the bum innit? Still, another year to go.....Lets hope there are more smiles this year. Much love xxx

    The Madhouse - I couldnt believe how happy he looked, he is usually got a long face and stomps about everywhere!!!

    No worries re blog name, with so many blogs out there, there are bound to be some that are similar. I may have unknowingly used yours. We must all live in similar Mad House worlds! Thanks so much for your comment. Lovely to hear from you. xx

    Rosiero! Ah, nothing like a smashing good time - clears the air! Wishing you all the best for 2010 too! xxx

    MT - hello my darling! I missed you too. I'm still slacking a bit..!!! It is so nice to know that I'm not the only one throwing a hissy fit, sometimes I feel like a freak!! Wishing you a wonderful 2010 too. Much love xxx

    Lizzie - Thank you so much for your kind words. I dont see myself as such at all. Just some bird who keeps getting piles of crap dropped on her from a great height!!! Maybe I should be the 'dodger' instead of the 'slinger'. Lovely to hear from you. xx

    JJ! Hello my lovely, how you doing? Ah, to take care of ones self is truly a feat to accomplish, the poor women are usually the last on the list... I promise I will try. Much love xxx

    MAM - Ah, you are right. I feel squashed! But no other bugger in this family will do it! Lazy lot. Lovely to hear from you. xx

    Kelly. Yeah, the smile is lovely, it come out every blue moon! We are the priviledged few to see it!!!!! Writing does help, but I have to be in the mood and try to put a positive spin on it, you know, like see the funny side of things....otherwise I might as well just lie down and wait for the inevitable!!! Lovely to hear from you. xxx

    Jenny! No worries, I'm getting so late its ridiculous! I think I just get so cross and angry, the East London bird resurfaces and turns into a stoppy teenager! Still, we are what we are. Lovely to hear from you sweetie. xxx

    Amy! Oh, you made me laugh! I used to go clay-pidgeon shooting when I was younger, it was such fun. I was a good shot too, I think my eyes are going or I was too cross to concentrate! Lobbing something is not quite the same as taking aim and pulling the....I'd better steer clear of that one..... Lovely to hear from you xxx

    WAD - It does make you feel better dunnit? Ah, there are lots of us around - such a comfort to know. Lovely to hear from you. xxx

    Lauren - Many thanks for the award - I'll pop over. Thanks for thinking of me. xx

    Thank you very much for all your comments, they mean a lot to me and knowing that I am not a bloody freak is just fantastic!

    Thank you for putting a smile back on my face. Here it comes....


    Much love RMxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  15. God. Sorry to hear things have been so tough. You must post about it, even when you are feeling rotten, I'm sure it will help. I've done lots of doom and gloom posts and bloggers do rally round and offer support as they do on your blog. You haven't posted for 3 weeks. Now I'm worried. Sending hugs.

  16. Rebel Mum, I hope you're doing okay. Still checking here for you and haven't seen you in a bit.

    I've had my fair share of panic attacks. I always got them when I felt trapped. Sounds to me like you may have felt that way too. Take care, sweetie.

    Big hugs from across the pond.

  17. How are you, my love? Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.

    CJ xx

  18. Happy New Year to you too! Your holidays sound exciting, hope the rest of 2010 is great for you.

  19. Thanks for sharing this interesting post.

  20. I hope you have a terrific Spring, full of happiness and renewal.

  21. Where are you?! I keep looking back for you sweetie, hope you're well xxx

  22. Stopping by from:

  23. No matter how many times I read it, it never gets old. You definitely hit the nail on the head on this one. This is something people need to know about. Your blog is really incredible and the design is really top notch. Really, your blog is incredible. Keep going, man. Keep going!

  24. What is this? A child's play?Arguments are OK in a relation but like this....My God I just cant believe.Our parents are there to guide us properly.But first we need to solve it.Thanks God the Conclusion is Good.

  25. Your weblog is wonderful. There's constantly all of the appropriate information and facts in the suggestions of my fingers. Many thanks and maintain up the good work

  26. Loved reading this post, I love how it's so full of different emotions. Sometimes we just need to forget the bad things that happen in life and remember the good things. I have to say though, taking your anger by destroying things with a spade must have felt great! ;)

  27. You know, I just wondered what has become of you...I kept up the good watch and now it is nearly a year since we've heard from you and hoping that you are alright...



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