A Shining Light

Happy New Year everyone!

Hope you all had a fantastic Christmas and brought the New Year in, in style!

I think I blinked and missed a decade it went so fast.

Apologies for being away for so long, but I've been a bit of misery lately and thought it best to stay away. (Wouldn't want to be the bearer of miserable tidings, sorrow and woe!)

I also thought I had 'turned a corner' after my last post concerning a certain 'Slapper' and my Husband. But it was a false inclination and instead I plummeted headfirst into a deep abyss.

Here's a quick run-down our jolly Christmas and New Year!

The Silent Assassin

A few days before Christmas, I was buggering about in the kitchen fixing a salad for dinner. I heard my Husband laughing at something on the telly in the other room. I had been brooding on that blasted email and hearing him sound so jovial and happy while I was so miserable, caused my self-control to snap and my temper to flare.

I picked up the salad bowl and flung it at the kitchen wall. It shattered all over the floor. Hubby came rushing in, thinking it was an accident and soon realised it wasn't when a heavy mixing bowl whizzed past his head and smashed into the kitchen door. This was quickly followed by a mug, a wire rack and a saucepan.

He is quite a good 'dodger', although I could be a lousy shot.

He scarpered out of the kitchen, whilst I flew out the back door and grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which happened to be a garden spade.

The shed was the first unlucky recipient of the spade, with a good few gashes taken out of it, the garage door also got a good smacking and now wont close properly and needs a couple of coats of paint, but the BBQ got the worst of it. It lay pitifully on the ground smashed to pieces.

Oh...... how I wished it was her. And he was bloody lucky it wasn't him!!!!!

I was in a 'murderous' rage. I have never been so angry. But the scary bit was that not once did I yell or scream or shout. It was like a whirlwind of destruction. Like a Silent Assassin. But I'm only human. Even machines have breakdowns.

Frostbite

A couple of nights later, I ran away from home. I didn't go very far or for very long because it was bloody freezing, but it was long enough for Olly to run into Liam's room and demand 'What have you done with Mum?'

It also warranted some concerned phone calls from my Husband, which I didn't bother answering. I was finally 'driven' home, by reoccurring thoughts of frostbite.

Vino

Mother came down for Christmas and with her came the other 'Silent Assassin'.

The onslaught of those dreadful Panic Attacks, which were ghastly. They creep up on you when you are least aware of them and usually when your stressed out. I had three attacks a day all over the Christmas period. Funnily enough, when Mother finally left, they disappeared!

Obviously I cannot cope with the added pressure of irresponsible parents.

Mother would start on the Vino at midday which would really annoy me. I know its Christmas, but I don't see why I should put up with a pissed mother. Its disgusting.

Battered Prawn Crumb

My other parent, Father, rang 3 times Christmas Day. Each phone call was more agitated than the last, so on Boxing Day I drove that 200 mile round journey to see him, with Mother and Amber in tow.

A frightful journey, but Dad was pleased to see us. We took him to a Harvester or some equivalent, where he threw a complete tantrum at me in front of loads of people over a cigarette!

He wanted his cigarette NOW, but he has to be escorted everywhere he goes. I wanted to eat something first, because I hadn't eaten in days. So we had a massive row. I had one chip and went outside with him whilst Mother and Amber ate their meal in peace. (Lucky them).

Father then started to choke on a battered prawn crumb that had got caught in his throat! I had to pat/rub his back and get sips of water down his throat to dislodge it, in case he choked to death. He was still clinging to his ciggy.

The Light of My Life

Through out all of this crap I was still running Olly to and from the Theatre Royal in Brighton, where his play, Peter Pan was showing. He played 'Spud', a Lost Boy.

Together with Hubby, Mother, Amber and Liam we went to watch his performance on Sunday 27th December.

It was like all my Christmas' and birthdays rolled into one. A shining light on a dull and dark murky world that glitters momentarily. But a light that is so strong, so bright, that it dazzles you and you never forget its beauty, no matter how brief it was. (An hour and a half).

Never, have I been more proud of my son. To see Olly on that stage, happy, enjoying himself, doing everything that he loves, made my heart surge with pride, love and joy. He made my Christmas. He made my year. He lit up my life and saw that it was worth every moment of excruciating pain for this moment of exquisite joy. A shining light. A ray of hope.

Here's a sneaky piccy of the cast. I may have to whip it off in case it infringes some publication rights, but for the moment here it is:

Olly is the tall boy, right in the centre with the dark hair and a hat on. He is looking towards the camera and SMILING!!!!!

However, the last performance was on the 3rd Jan and Olly was back to school on the 4th. I got a phone call that day about 1pm saying Olly was being suspended from school for one day due to fighting with other boys and telling a teacher to F*** off!!!

Oh well, you cant win them all can you?

A Shining Light

Thank You

I just wanted to say a massive Thank You to all you guys who offered so much support and advice during these recent dark days. I really dont know what I would have done without you all.

I have trawled through phone records, bank records, emails, websites, chat forums etc, going back over the last year and turned this house upside looking for more evidence, (rather obsessively actually!), however I have found none. I can only assume that it was just these two emails were the only form of recent communication.

I have emailed her back, again, with a warning that if she so much as attempts to make any further communication to my husband, ever, 'I'll hang her out to dry'.

As for him, although still pleading his innocence, he is going to be in the dog-house for the forseeable future. I'm still not sure where my future lies, but for now, it is time to move on out of this dark, nasty place and get on with life.

I have taken my 'eye off the ball'. I have missed my blogging chums, reality mates, my kids and my family. The thing that annoys me the most, is that during all this I finally received my licence through, so I can start my own practice. Unknowingly, I ignored my licence and flung it under a pile of crap. It ended up with tea stains all over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, here's to moving on, getting focused and getting back on track.

THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE. YOU ARE JUST FABULOUS.

Thank You

Named and Shamed

This is why I have been such a shit blogger lately.

About a month ago I was looking at my husband's work rota and noticed that he had a trip with a certain woman, who has caused me much anguish in the past. Unfortunately, I didn't notice the name until he had actually completed his trip.

I confronted him about it when he came home and he said that when he saw her he 'shit himself' when he realised he would be working with her.

I threw a complete hissy fit, because he had ample time to ring me and tell me, or send me a text or just be upfront about it. But he didn't. (He's a Scorpio - very secretive!).

After some advise from my friends, I let it go, although, I wasn't sure if anything had happened and I had no evidence to assume the worse.

However, I had good reason to be suspicious because this certain woman and my husband had an affair 7 years ago. Although it was a very difficult time in our marriage, we got through it, and I believe, made our marriage stronger. But forgiving is easier than forgetting. No-one forgets.

A week ago, I logged on to his email by chance and found an email from her to him and attached to it was an email he had sent her first! The crafty bugger had deleted all his 'sent' emails.

The gist of it was they were going to meet up on 'Sat 5th December at 6ish for a coffee'.

I rang him in Hong Kong and let rip a torrent of abuse, including that our marriage was over. I then sent them both an extremely scathing email telling them exactly what I thought of them.

When he returned, we talked/shouted/screamed for five days. I have not been in my right mind because here are the things that happened over these days.

1. In a spate of fury I attacked my husband and punched him like a boxer punches a punch-bag. Relentlessly. Being 6ft and built like a rugby player, he took every punch I gave him.

2. I asked my son Liam, if he could 'score some draw' (WTF!!!!!) Luckily Liam laughed at me, saying it would 'addle' my brain. (Sometimes he assumes the role of a parent. I can only hang my head in shame at this one).

3. I am unable to eat any food. It all tastes like cardboard to me and hence I have lost about 10lbs in a week. Its called the Rebel Diet of Diet Coke and Cigarettes!

4. As you know I don't drink, but I got a bottle of vodka mixed it with Valium and sleeping pills and got shit faced. I then proceeded to 'Tiffin' my husband out of his brain.

(What that was about I don't know. Is it like a cat, spraying your territory? It is a primitive and primeval thing that I have yet to decipher....).

5. I have been checking emails, phones, all forms of communication and I don't like this person I have turned into. It is vile. I will not live this life.

6. I keep forgetting things. I thought I put the lamb in the oven, only to discover it had been sitting on the side for TWO hours.

7. I have missed 3 of Amber's dance classes, her 'watching week' and her Christmas Carol concert.

8. Olly has missed 5 days of school due to his performance in Peter Pan, but I keep forgetting to call the school. They keep texting me asking where he is.

I am a complete mess.

My husband's side to all of this is that on the last leg of this trip this 'slapper' gave him some sob story that after he had left her, she got in with a bloke who used to beat her. My husband felt sorry for her and he felt it was his fault that she had got in with a nasty fella and that her life had turned out so shit.

I told my Husband that my life was shit! I have a father I have to look after, a child with Asperger's and a husband that cant keep it in his pants. If you start having empathy and sympathy for the 'other woman', then it is time to get out of a marriage.

I told him that if he wanted to be with this woman then he should just go, I will not stay in a marriage for the sake of it. He said he had no intentions of going anywhere. I told him he 'cannot have his cake and eat it'.

I asked him for a divorce and he refused. He said that he had been a 'prick' and that he had only emailed her to meet for a coffee to help cheer her up, because she was so down! (They both had a trip on the 5th, so they could would be in the same office for about an hour from 6-7). I said, if you start having coffee with a childless spinster of 40 it is hardly going to be left as a coffee! How thick are you???

I only have his word that nothing has happened on that trip or since that trip, and quite frankly that's worth piss all. Although having read back the emails a thousand times, it sounds like nothing happened and this appears to be the only form of communication. But who the hell knows!

I feel like running away and letting them all get on with it. I will not stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of it. My marriage is in tatters and I'm not sure it is worth saving. I told my husband that he can continue to live here, (apart from the fact I will not kill myself from exhaustion looking after his kids, and I need the mortgage paid), but that I now wish to be free to find someone else.

He told me that he loved me more than life itself, that he wanted to grow old with me and spend the rest of our lives together. He said he was stupid to email her. I told him that he was the love of my life, but he has broken my heart again and broken the trust. I told him that I didn't love him anymore and I doubted if I would ever love or trust him again.

I feel so empty.

My husband did not go and meet her yesterday, he was with me at 6pm. He then drove to work and waited outside in the freezing cold and talked on the phone to me for 35 minutes until he had to go check in at 7.45pm.

I wonder if this could be a mid-life crisis? He turned fifty a month ago, his wife is now qualified and maybe he felt surplus to requirements of the family......the attentions of another woman is very flattering and perhaps a boost to his ego.

What I cannot forgive though is the humiliation that I feel.

It is making a mockery of marriage and everything a wife stands for; for being a soul-mate and mother to his children. Humiliating her and ridiculing her position within the family and making it worthless is absolutely diabolical. She knew he was married with kids and it makes me sick. They are both to blame.

However, the wife is a wife for a reason. She is not the mistress, nor the bit on the side, nor the tart he is bonking. The wife is his equal. She is the hub of the family and her strength is the glue to the family. She keeps the kids fed, watered, clothed, washed and educated. She goes on courses to understand her disabled child, she organises everything, she looks after her husband, looks pretty for him, listens to him moaning, becomes his best friend. Looks after her parents, his parents and as if that isn't enough, she'll probably go out to work and bring home the 'bacon' as well!

To this end, I will name you and shame you, because I am worth so much more than you......

Patsy Ryan.

Be content in knowing that if you get my husband it is because I no longer want him.

You are no match for me, I'll crucify you.

Named and Shamed

Rebel Mother

Dear readers,

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to all those who read and comment on my blog. It is very much appreciated and although I am sometimes held hostage by whatever forces control me in Reality, I always love to hear from you.

You may have noticed I've gone 'Gothic'. I thought it might be better to read. Sometimes the sun shines on my computer (not in the last two weeks, with this crappy weather) and I found it difficult to read, but hopefully it will be better now.

I've also changed title of my blog. It is now called Rebel Mother, instead of Another Day in The Madhouse, but the URL (or whatever it is) is still the same. Rebelmother.blogspot.com. Just the blog title has changed. (There are too many similar blogs, so I thought I would change it, otherwise it just gets confusing).

I am having a shit time at the moment, but the tantrums and tears have stopped and just good old fashioned fury has replaced it. I shall stick a post on about it. You may find it interesting, its about Infidelity!

But I hope to visiting all your blogs very soon and catch up on all the news. I've missed you all very much. Forgive me for being such a shit blogger.

With much love....

RMxx

Rebel Mother

Bright Idea

God! What a crappy day yesterday was.......I feel as miserable as this relentless rain we've been subjected to. Eight days of drizzle......EIGHT, with intermittent fleeting intervals of sun, hail and gale force winds.

I had the bright idea of doing a bit of Christmas shopping....physically....not virtually....I also had another bright idea of taking the bus, because it is bound to be more convenient and green etc, etc, etc.

I am a FOOL!

And this is why.....

1. All Bus stops are all 'out of order' in Brighton's City Centre (Why? Just to inconvenience shoppers and bugger up your day).

2. I was dropped off about a mile away and had to drudge back to the shops up a really steep hill in a bad temper.

3. Went into a book shop and set off all the alarms. I was interrogated like a common criminal. After much indignant yelling I was let go.

4. After sticking up my nose, I stomped out of the shop and spent what little money I had in other shops.

5. Finally trudged back to the bus stop, loaded down with shopping bags.

6. Where's the frigging bus stop gone?

7. Bus stop had moved half a mile up the road. Dragged feet and bags to make-shift bus stop, which was unfortunately outside a shop that was being renovated.

8. Builder's van pulls up and burly inconsiderate white van driver tells everyone in the make-shift bus queue to move along as they were clearing out the shop.

9. I grumbled loudly whilst complying.

10. My ears where then viciously assaulted by lumps of concrete being slung into back of the van.

11. Lost my temper completely and yelled at the builders calling them a 'bunch of 'fu**ing to**ers'.

12. The builders laughed.

13. Stomped off down the road, juggling bags and lit a ciggy.

14. Then torrential rain poured down. My soggy ciggy was thrown to the floor unsmoked. My paper Primark bag got so drenched it disintegrated, spilling the contents of my shopping all over the pavement.

15. No b'stard bothered to help me. They just stood and stared whilst the builders continued to laugh.

16. When the bus finally came, I soaked to my knickers.

17. The bus driver was an aspiring rally driver and when my bus stop came into sight, he took the corner at about 50 miles an hour and sent me sprawling across two empty seats.

18. My shopping went flying again and I held everybody up from getting off the bus trying to gather them up.

19. This attracted the attention of some madman/tramp on the bus who then waffled on in an incoherent drunken manner about bad bus drivers.

20. Having shaken off the tramp, finally arrived home. I was trying to make a cup of tea when I tripped over my Hubby's laptop lead which was trailing around the kitchen. I broke the lead and almost broke my sodding neck!

Hubby's answer to this day of hell was 'Do you have any more Bright Ideas?'

Bright Idea